Author: drglenndoyle

I promise you: you won’t always be your best self. Neither am I. 

I mean, most of the time, we’ll try. You know, to be easy going and good natured and patient and kind. 

But…sometimes it’s just not gonna happen. 

We’re gonna be tired. We’re gonna be sore. We’re gonna be cranky. 

Sometimes we’re going to have limited emotional bandwidth due to something we’re dealing with. 

Sometimes we’ll be exhausted from having to repeatedly rein in our impulses and cravings. 

Sometimes we’ll be triggered by a person or situation, and before we know it we’ll be half down a rabbit hole of defensiveness or dissociation. 

Sometimes we’ll be under the influence of a substance. 

Any or all of these can contribute to us not being our “best self” for a moment or longer. 

I don’t list all these things as excuses for us not being the coolest, kindest versions of ourselves. They’re just realistic factors that help explain why we’re reacting to the world as we are. 

I know that I, personally, have been hard to like and hard to be close to sometimes. 

I know my ADHD has made me flake out on my friends and be an unreliable coworker in the past. it’s a bummer. 

I know my history of attachment trauma has made it difficult to be in romantic and sexual relationships with me. 

I know my depression has, likely, made me a bit of a bummer to be around sometimes. 

It can be really easy for us to take a look at our relationship struggles, many of which can stem from our personal history or our emotional challenges, and conclude that we’re just…broken. Unlikeable. Maybe even unlovable. 

Here’s the thing, though: we don’t get to decide for other people whether we are likable or lovable. 

And we definitely don’t get to define for the entire human species what defines a “worthwhile” person. 

Many of us have been in the position of wondering why some of the people in our lives stick with us, even in what should be our most unlikable moments. 

Sometimes we even get paranoid or skeptical about people who claim to be with us in the long haul— how can they POSSIBLY mean it, given that we are so frustrating to relate to? 

What we can’t see, this close up to the equation, is that we are MORE than our struggles. 

Even in relationships, we are MORE than even the very legitimate frustrations we can cause for our friends, partners, and colleagues. 

Yes, there may be a subset of people whose closeness to us is determined by the proportion of positive to negative experiences they have with us. Yes, we’re going to lose some people along the way— though we need to keep in mind that even “normal” relationships with “normal” people are often fleeting and fragile for various reasons. 

We need to remember that emotional struggles like depression and behavioral struggles like addiction loom INCREDIBLY large for us— sometimes they’re the only things that we can think about. 

But others aren’t in our head. They’re not as suffocated by those struggles as we are. 

Others can see what we bring to the table beyond our pain or our problems. 

Others can see potential that we often can’t. 

Make no mistake: not everyone is going to see us fairly, or accurately, or compassionately. 

But because we happen to hate ourselves doesn’t mean everyone is required to hate us too. 

Because we feel like giving up on ourselves doesn’t mean others are required to give up on us. 

So we’re not our best selves sometimes. maybe even often. Welcome to being human. 

We’re always responsible for our behavior. We can’t just blow it off and say, “eh, nobody’s perfect.” 

But we have to be realistic: our feelings about ourselves are not facts— and they don’t have to be shared by anybody else. 

Others get to love us, no matter how we feel about ourselves. 

Others get to like us, no matter how we feel about ourselves. 

And others get to value us, no matter how worthless we might feel. 

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Growing up, we are taught to abandon ourselves in lots of subtle ways. 

We’re taught to reject certain feelings.

We’re taught that certain thoughts and fantasies are “bad.” 

We’re taught that we are only acceptable or lovable if we conform to certain other people’s idea of what is acceptable and lovable. 

When we’re taught over and over again that we have to “earn” the right to be loved, it sets us up for a life time of self-judgment and self-abandonment…not because we’re intentionally trying to judge or abandon ourselves, but because that’s the only thing we know. 

When I tell people that they don’t have to “earn” the right to be loved, they really do look at me weird. 

Hell, people look at me weird when I tell them they don’t have to “earn” the right to exist. 

That’s how pervasive that particular belief is in our culture. 

Can you imagine telling a little baby that they have to “earn” the right to exist or the right to be loved? 

No matter what you have or haven’t achieved in your life, you are not a waste of space or oxygen. 

Who convinced us that we are only “worthy” to live if we happen to contribute specific things to the world? 

Don’t get me wrong: I like to feel that I’m contributing to the world. It feels good. I like to feel I’m making a difference in peoples’ lives. 

But I’m here to tell you that you are worthy no matter what you do or don’t contribute. 

We can contribute to other people and the world because it feels good— not because we’re trying to “earn” our “right” to consume space and oxygen. 

There was a time when I was too flat on my back depressed to contribute ANYTHING to ANYONE. 

These days I have more opportunities to contribute to people’s lives than I did back then— but is that to say the Glenn of 2021 is more “worthy” than the Glenn of 1997? 

The Glenn of 1997 would agree with that. 

The Glenn of 2021 does not. 

When we’re depressed, we very often feel unworthy. We very often fall into the trap of believing we haven’t “earned” the space we take up in the world. We feel like a waste of space. 

I promise you: you are not a waste of space. 

Do not reject and abandon yourself by telling yourself you are a waste of space, because it just ain’t true. 

We are not put here on this earth to achieve stuff. We’re not put here to live out anybody else’s fantasy about who and what we “should” be or do. 

Every single person reading this gets to decide WHY they’re here. 

Nobody reading this has to feel guilty that they didn’t live up to someone else’s standards of fantasies. 

I hear you: we all want to imagine certain people being proud of us, approving of us, liking us. 

I want that, too. It often feels good to live a life we can imagine certain people approving of.

When someone’s values are consistent with ours, living a life we imagine they’d approve of can be a signifier to us that we’re doing it right. 

It’s just really important that we don’t conflate something feeling GOOD with something being a signifier of our existential worth. 

We do not have to reject or abandon ourselves. 

We do not have to fall into the conditional worthiness trap. 

We can have our own back regardless of how we feel about ourselves at the moment. 

Yes, it’s hard. It’s MUCH easier to have our own back, to be compassionate toward and accepting of ourselves, when we feel that our lives are going well and to plan. 

But it’s when our lives AREN’T going so well that we really, really NEED to be there for ourselves. 

Self-esteem begins with refusing to reject or abandon ourselves— no matter what. 

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I strongly believe that we get to reinvent our life if we want to. 

Yes, significantly changing our life— including our appearance, priorities, the way we present to the world, our behavior, our living space, whatever— might impact other people…and those people, of course, have the right to have feelings about it. 

But no one gets to tell us we “have” to stay the same person with the same life just because they prefer it. 

One of the reasons a lot of people choose to NOT change is because we don’t want to deal with the blowback rom other people. 

Other people like us to keep being who we are. They want us to remain known quantities. being a known quantity makes it easier to predict and control our behavior. 

The thing is, when you don’t like who you are— what you look like, what you do, the situations and opportunities in your life, the people in your life— it doesn’t particularly matter if other people like who you are. 

We are in our skin, inside our head, 24/7. It really, really matters whether we like it in here. 

There are PLENTY of people who will tell you it DOESN’T matter if you like yourself or your life. 

Lots of people consider it not terribly important whether we “like” our experience, as long as we DO the things we’re “supposed” to do in life. 

But who gets to decide what we’re “supposed” to do? 

Yes, we have certain responsibilities. Parents shouldn’t just abandon their kids because they don’t “like” being parents (though there are obviously parents who do that). If we have a job, we have certain responsibilities to our employer that we agreed to. 

But in my experience, many people think that their responsibilities extend beyond the commitments they’ve made to people who depend on them, like children or employers or coworkers. 

Many people think they have a “responsibility” to continue being someone whose life they don’t enjoy living. 

I feel just the opposite. 

I feel we have a responsibility TO OURSELVES to create a life we actually DO like. 

I think pleasure, fun, enjoyment— those aren’t incidentals or luxuries. I think they are psychological needs. 

I think it IS our responsibility to figure out how we can incorporate positive emotional experiences into our lives in non-destructive ways. 

We have a responsibility to ourselves to create a life worth living. 

The truth is, our human experience is far more flexible than we think. 

We often think that we have to keep doing the same stuff, because we’ve BEEN doing the same stuff. 

We think we have to keep being the person we are, because that’s the person we’ve BEEN. 

It’s true that we OFTEN keep being the same person with the same life…but that’s mostly because the stuff we do is kind of sandblasted into our brain in the form of conditioned neural pathways. 

We can change not only what we do, but who we are…but it takes time. Those neural pathways are resistant to change, and it takes a minute. 

Changing who we are takes vision and consistency and patience. We’re often fighting an uphill battle against well-worn pathways in our brain and well-rehearsed routines in our life. 

But people change. People change their whole life, their whole identity. It happens every year, every day. 

I strongly feel it’s our birthright to choose who we are. 

Even if other people want to take that birthright away for their own comfort and convenience. 

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We are always the boss of ourselves. We’re always responsible fo our decisions and our behavior. You are, I am. 

There are factors that influence our decisions and behavior, and sometimes we’re not always making the most informed decisions— but we’re always responsible for the decisions we DO make, whether or not we had all the information or autonomy we “should” have had. 

That is to say: sometimes we’re actually NOT the “experts” on our experience that we think we are. 

We want to be, we try to be. We want to think that there’s something inside of us that will tell us if what we’re deciding and doing truly is “best” for us. 

But a lot of the time, that “something” inside of us is just…absent. 

Sometimes it’s there, but we’re not listening to it— and sometimes it’s just not there. 

I WISH I was the “expert” on what I needed all the time. But I’m not. 

My brain and personality have shortcomings. Left to my own devices, I will actively try to deceive myself into taking the less painful, less anxiety provoking path— and I will effortfully try to convince myself that that path is the “best” way for me, because “I know me.” 

There are absolutely things we know about ourselves. We know what we went through. We know what we were told. We know what we felt— and we often have to remind ourselves of that, because there are definitely people who will try to convince us we DIDN’T go through that, that we WEREN’T told that, that we DIDN’T feel that. 

At the same time, we need to be realistic about the fact that our brain WILL try to bullsh*t us at times. 

When there is something in our world that is just too sad or scary for us to consciously deal with at the moment, our brain WILL bend over backwards to make it seem like it’s not happening. 

It’s not that we’re intentionally avoiding it— it’s that our brain is pulling a fast one in order to avoid “seeing” and “knowing” something it thinks is catastrophic. 

When we’re trying to give up an addiction, but our brain truly thinks our substance or behavior of addiction is the ONLY thing keeping us alive and functional, our brain will lie to us about how bad our addiction is and how necessary it is to continue it. 

When we’re depressed, our brain will actively lie to us about our worth, about our competence, about the world, and about the future. 

One of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn— and relearn, and relearn again— is that when my brain tries to tell me that it KNOWS something WITHOUT A DOUBT…that I need to look closer. 

When my brain tries to tell me that I need to NOT QUESTION an established habit of feeling or behaving…I need to look closer. 

It’s like the Wizard of Oz commanding Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion to PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!

When the Wizard in your head snaps at you to PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN…something’s up behind that curtain. 

All of which is to say: we need to approach our own motivations and perceptions with curiosity as well as compassion. 

We need to be open to the idea that maybe we’re not seeing as straight as we think we’re seeing. 

We need to remember that depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction, and a dozen other things seriously impact how we process information and experience the world. 

It’s not that we can’t trust ourselves— it’s that we need to be realistic about the factors that are influencing us. 

If you had a family member who you really, really trusted, but who got high sometimes, you’d take their habit into account. It doesn’t mean they can’t be trusted— it means that realistically there might be something else going on sometimes. 

Recovery brings us face to face with a lot of stuff that’s really hard to swallow. It brings me face to face every single day with how I deceive myself, because I want to keep believing what I already believe. 

We can question and challenge ourselves from a place of realism and compassion. We can push back on our preexisting beliefs and assumptions not because we don’t trust ourselves, but because we WANT to establish authentic self-trust. 

Yup. It can all be pretty complicated. 

But it’s worth the hassle. 

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Some of the roughest moments we will ever navigate in our healing or recovery journeys, are the moments after a relapse or set back. 

Talk about a time when it’s easy to feel as if we will never, ever make meaningful progress. 

Those are moments when we scrape bottom— when it’s easy to feel as if all of this effort is pointless. 

Our inner critic will be VICIOUS in the moments and hours and days after a relapse or setback. 

It’ll tell us that the roadblock we just ran into is our REAL self. 

It’ll tell us that we should’t even bother trying to get back on track, because we’re just going to screw up again. 

If we try to be compassionate toward ourselves after a setback, our inner critic will tell us we’re making excuses. 

If we’ve experienced a setback, we will often feel the urge to go even deeper down the rabbit hole, because we’ve screwed up already, why not go all in on our defeat? 

It’s a painful, discouraging time. 

There are a few things we need to remember after a relapse or a setback. 

We need to remember that literally everyone who succeeds in recovery has setbacks. 

Sometimes those setbacks are emotional, sometimes they’re relational, sometimes they’re behavioral— but EVERYBODY has them. 

You are not going to be first exception in the history of recovery to the rule that everybody has a setback. Neither am I. 

Setbacks are a normal part of the process. 

Yes, they’re a painful part of the process and we try to do everything we can to avoid them and make them less debilitating, but they’re GOING to happen. 

We can’t avoid setbacks in recovery— but how we handle them makes a big difference to what happens next. 

How we talk to ourselves after a setback or relapse is key. 

We are going to have the inner critic screaming in our face that this is evidence we are worthless and we should just give up. 

It’s really important we not jump on his side and scream in our own face that we’re worthless and we should just give up…not least because, it just isn’t true. 

You don’t have to like the fact that you relapsed. You don’t have to like the fact that setbacks are a normal part of recovery. I don’t. 

When relapses or other recovery setbacks happen, the name of the game is pushing reset and getting back on track. 

Not self-punishment, not cosmic justice, not existential certainty. Getting yourself out of danger and back on track is the ONLY thing that matters for a minute. 

We can have feelings about why and how we relapsed— and we can process them later. For now, just get back on track. 

We can have feelings about how hard it is to start over, and yup, that part can be super discouraging— but we can be discouraged and mad about it later. For now, just get back on track. 

If this is where you are, this is where you are. I’ve been there, everybody who has successfully recovered has been there. The smartest, strongest person you know has been there. 

Just get back on track. Press reset. Each and every time your inner critic tries to get you to look backward at what a mess you’ve made, calmly turn back around and look forward to what you have to do here, now, in this minute, to get back on track. 

Between those who plunge into self-punishment after a relapse, and those who focus on getting back on track, I will bet on the latter recoverers every time. 

Self-punishment doesn’t motivate. It stalls us out more. It robs us of the energy and focus that we need to get ourselves back on track after a setback. 

I know. This isn’t fun. It’s not fun for me, either. 

Just keep taking baby steps. Step, by step, by teeny tiny step. 

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When we’re recovering from depression, anxiety, addiction, or trauma, there’s a LOT that is, or seems, out of our control. 

It always annoys me when I see people assert that people who are struggling should simply “take control” of their mental lives. It’s just not that easy. 

If we COULD simply “take control’ of what we’re thinking and feeling, I assure you, we would. 

If it was a straightforward matter of “taking control” of our behavior, I assure you, we would. 

But human thoughts, feelings, and behavior is NEVER quite that simple or straightforward.

We don’t have “control” over everything that goes on in our head and heart, and we don’t have “control” over everything that happens in our lives. 

We have INFLUENCE over some things that happen inside us and something that happen around us— but not complete influence. 

That’s not a reason to give up. 

That’s a reason to get realistic about how we can use the limited amount of influence we have, to our advantage. 

One of the most important things we can do for ourselves is to do what we can to create a life consistent with what we want more of. 

For example, I want a life that includes a lot of love. 

I want a life that includes a lot of laughter and non-toxic humor. 

I want a life that includes a lot of affectionate, consensual physical touch. 

If those are the things I want, I need to do what I can to create a life that is consistent with those things. 

If I want a life that is full of love, I need to do what I can to limit the aggression and hostility in my world— primarily the aggression and hostility that I direct toward myself. 

If I want a life that includes a lot of laughter and non-toxic humor, I need to do what I can to limit the sarcasm and mockery I direct at myself. 

If I want a life that includes a lot of affectionate, consensual physical touch, I need to do what I can to limit the self-hating thoughts I have and statements I make about my body. 

I cannot control everything that goes on in my head and heart…but what I do influence, I want to influence in such a way that maximizes the chances that I’ll create the life I want. 

To the extent that we influence what we think, feel, and do, we want to think, feel, and do things that are consistent with what we want— and we want to intentionally limit those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are inconsistent with what we want. 

What I’m talking about isn’t easy. 

For many of us, the default setting is self-aggression. For many of us it feels “natural’ or “normal” to viciously make fun of ourselves, hate our body, obsess over our flaws and faults and imperfections. 

Many of us have even been taught that the only way to avoid being “narcissistic” is to viciously attack and deprecate ourselves at every turn. 

But we’re simply not going to create the positive, comfortable life experience we really crave if we’re cutting into ourselves all day, every day. 

I know, it may not feel “natural” to be kind to yourself. 

I know, part of you may be worried that to extend yourself kindness or compassion may be opening the door to “narcissism.” 

Being kind to yourself won’t make you a narcissist. Giving yourself the benefit of the doubt won’t make you into a narcissist. Having your own back won’t make you a narcissist. 

What being on your own side WILL do is giving you a fighting chance to create the life you actually deserve. 

Don’t get all up in your head about “controlling” your life. 

Reel it in, and get curious about what you can influence— inside your head and heart, and out there in the world. 

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A lot of staying grounded and stable has to do with preparation. 

We’re GOING to get triggered throughout the day— and a lot of those triggers are going to come from places and situations that are completely unexpected. 

If we’re going to handle those triggers, we need to have our coping thoughts and habits planned out in advance. We can’t be trying to come up with them on the spot, in the midst of a stress reaction. 

When we’re triggered, our ability to think is literally impaired. 

Triggers fire up the parts of our brain that are responsible for keeping us alive and dealing with immediate threats— and they temporarily shut down the parts of our brain that think and reason in calm, organized patterns. 

Ever wonder why our responses to triggers and crises can sometimes seem all over the map? It’s because our brain isn’t wired for nuance and high level thinking when it’s facing survival threats— it’s wired to escape the threat, come hell or high water. 

What that means is, we can’t count on reasoning our way out when we’re drowning in a emotional reactions. 

We need to give ourselves something to grasp onto BEFORE we need it. 

A big part of recovery is coming up with lists of stuff to say to ourselves and do when we’re in crisis. 

When we’re facing a craving; when we’re triggered; when we’re suddenly circling the drain, we need to have access to the words and behaviors that can keep us afloat until we can think again. 

Those words and behaviors need to be pre-planned. We can’t be trying to come up with them on the spot. 

I’m a big fan of organizing our coping thoughts, skills, and options into lists that are no more than one or two actions away. 

We can keep lists on our phone of things to say to ourselves when we start panicking or dissociating. 

We can keep lists of grounding techniques on our phone, and grounding objects, such as a totem or bracelet, in a pocket or on our body. 

We can keep folders of helpful pictures— such as nature pictures, pictures of important people, or screen shots of helpful quotes— on our phone.

The important thing is that we have access to those resources without thinking too much about it. 

It’s really important that we be realistic about what we are and aren’t able to pull off during an emotional crisis. 

When we’re triggered, we’re NOT going to be doing a lot of high-level reasoning. We’re going to be up in our head, and maybe not terribly verbal— and we’re NOT going to be inclined (or maybe even ABLE) to think in an organized way about what to do. 

We’re not ourselves when we’re triggered. 

When we’re panicked or craving or dissociative, it doesn’t matter how intelligent or capable or we are— our nervous system is short circuiting our ability to respond. 

We need to be realistic about what’s needed to get back in the driver’s seat. 

If you’ve struggled with handling triggers or cravings, you’re not alone. Everybody who deals with depression, anxiety, trauma, or addiction has been in that position. 

EVERYBODY who is at risk of getting triggered or relapsing has to be prepared with lists of coping thoughts and strategies. NOBODY is “too recovered” to be prepared for an emotional emergency. 

The good news is, the more often and more effectively we cope with triggers, the easier it GETS to cope with triggers. 

But the difference between successfully handling triggers and cravings and not is very often in being prepared and realistic about them. 

Easy does it. This is a marathon, not a sprint. 

And marathons are all about training and managing your energy. 

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We don’t have to fit into anyone else’s “box.” 

But: they will try hard to convince us we do. 

The world wants us to be predicable and comprehensible to them. 

They want us to behave in ways they can understand, predict, and control. 

This may or may not be conducive with our happiness and growth. 

Don’t get me wrong: I don’t think the world is necessarily crazy or even mean. OF COURSE we want the people around us to be understandable, predictable, and controllable. 

I’m NOT saying “the whole world is against you.” I don’t think the world cares enough about us as individuals to be either for OR against us, at least intentionally. 

What I AM saying is that the world is not necessarily INTERESTED in our growth or happiness. 

It is INTERESTED in us being a known quantity. 

Sometimes, in order to really be ourselves, we need to step outside of the world’s comfort zone. 

We’re going to have to be unpredictable to them. We’re going to have to be uncontrollable by them. Sometimes we’re going to be incomprehensible to them. 

They’re not going to like that. 

The world will often try to essentially bribe us to stay in our lane. 

The world will dangle social approval in front of us to get us to conform to what IT thinks we “should” be. 

Social approval is nice. But it’s not self-esteem. 

Our goal is to become internally directed. To not stay at the mercy of anything external. 

Yes, the approval and comfort of others matters. I’ll never tell you it doesn’t. We are social animals, and we want to form positive, durable bonds with other people. 

I don’t happen to think that loneliness is the necessary price of success or self-esteem. 

But others’ approval and comfort is not worth sacrificing our individuality or self-esteem for. 

At the end of the day, we need to live in our skin. We need to look at ourselves in the mirror. 

There are going to be moments when nobody else is around— when it’s just us, up in our head. 

During those moments, others’ approval will not matter. 

Our relationship with ourselves will be the only thing there. 

Will we be able to tell ourselves that we did everything we could to be an individual, to pursue our passions and interests, to truly be ourselves in a world that tried very hard, again and again, to get us to abandon ourselves? 

We can’t abandon ourselves and recover at the same time. 

Depression, anxiety, addiction, trauma— they all count on us bailing on ourselves. 

They count on us being disgusted by who we are, what we feel, what we need. 

If we absolutely refuse to bail on ourselves— if we refuse to squeeze ourselves into the little “box” that is preferred by “the world” so we can be understandable, predicable, and controllable— then depression, anxiety, addiction, and trauma eventually run out of oxygen. 

We can starve our pain with relentless self-compassion. 

We can stare down our emotional and behavioral struggles with unwavering self-acceptance. 

It’s not easy.

The world was not constructed with us being autonomous and consistent. 

Confuse the world. 

Confound the world. 

Refuse to compromise who you are for the comfort or convenience of anyone else. 

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A lot of people are going to try to “help” you by telling you you wouldn’t feel that way if you weren’t thinking those things. 

There’s even a whole therapy technique, Cognitive Therapy, that emphasizes how depression and anxiety are exacerbated by “distorted” thoughts— and advises people to replace their distorted, distress-causing thoughts with realistic, adaptive thoughts. 

The thing is, most people already KNOW it’s their thoughts that are contributing to their distress. 

This isn’t news for anyone. 

Most people who are struggling wholeheartedly agree that if they weren’t thinking what they were thinking, they probably wouldn’t feel the way they feel. 

It’s frustrating when somebody’s recommendation to feel better is basically, “think different things!” 

If only we COULD think different things on command. 

But we usually can’t. 

The truth is, we don’t select our thoughts from a platter of equally-easy-to-think options. 

We don’t look at a distorted thought and a non-distorted thought, and say, “I’ll take the distorted thought that will make me depressed and anxious, please!” 

If we’re thinking distorted thought that are causing depression and anxiety, it’s not because we’re “choosing” to think those thoughts— it’s because we’ve been CONDITIONED to think those thoughts. 

We’ve usually gotten a lot of PRACTICE thinking those thoughts. 

We’ve usually had a lot of MODELING when it comes to thinking those thoughts. 

We’ve probably even been REWARDED for thinking those thoughts. 

For that matter, thoughts don’t just occur in isolation. We don’t so much think thoughts, as we think in patterns of thoughts— and those patterns are directed by our attitudes and beliefs. 

“Just think something different!” is one thing. 

“Just BELIEVE something different!” is another thing entirely. 

When it comes to changing our patterns of thinking, it’s not one decision point that makes the difference. 

We don’t just suddenly decide “I’m no longer going to think this!”, and that’s the end of it. 

If we want to change our thought patterns, we need to recondition ourselves.

We need to recognize how and when a thought pattern is triggered— and we need to have an alternative thought pattern ready to go. 

It’s a lot of work. 

It requires a lot of self-awareness and self-discipline. 

The good news is, we CAN and DO change our thought patterns, and even our beliefs. 

Beliefs change every day. 

But for a belief or a thought pattern to change, we can’t just let it go on autopilot. 

We need to be vigilant about recognizing when it’s getting activated, and diverting our attention and self-talk into the alternative we’re trying to condition. 

We can scramble any pattern into which we’ve been conditioned. It’s as straightforward as scratching a record so it doesn’t play the same way anymore. 

It just takes more effort and strategy than “think something different!” 

Don’t stress when people oversimplify the process of changing your mind, brain, and emotions. They’re trying to help. 

Ironically, though, anybody who tells you “just think something different” probably has areas of their own life in which THEY are struggling to “think something different.” 

“Just don’t think that!” can be a type of wish-fulfillment. IF ONLY it was that simple. 

Don’t get up in your head about “thinking differently” being a one-and-done DECISION. 

Pay attention to the self-awareness and STRATEGY necessary to really change how you think. 

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We are relating to ourselves, all day, every day. 

We are the most important relationship in our own lives. 

How we relate to ourselves largely determines how we feel and function. 

We are with ourselves 24/7. We can’t NOT relate to ourselves; we are in our own head. 

The relationship we have with ourselves can be supportive and nurturing, it can be disparaging and destructive, or it can be somewhere between those extremes…but our relationship with ourself ISN’T neutral. 

Very often, when we grew up abused, neglected, or bullied, the way we were treated works its way into our relationship with ourselves. 

We didn’t learn to value ourselves when we were young, because we had no idea what it might look like TO value ourselves. 

We didn’t learn to talk to ourselves in supportive language, because we weren’t talked to in supportive language. 

We didn’t learn to be there for ourselves, because the people who should have been there for us, weren’t. 

To the contrary, if we grew up with a lot of pain and aggression in our lives, we might have learned to attack ourselves for our perceived inadequacies, and hold ourselves responsible for things we couldn’t possibly control. 

This comes out in our self talk— how we communicate to ourselves about the world, how we explain things to ourselves, how we verbally relate to ourselves. 

It comes out in our attitudes toward ourselves. 

It comes out in the behavioral choices we make— whether we choose to do things that will protect, support, and nurture ourselves, or choose to do things that will dig us into deeper and deeper emotional and behavioral holes. 

If we’re going to effectively grow and recover from depression, anxiety, trauma, or addiction, we need to establish and maintain a supportive, positive relationship with ourselves. 

We need to be there for ourselves. We need to have our own back. 

What does this look like, in practical terms? 

It looks like talking to ourselves in ways that we would talk to someone we support and love, as opposed to someone we hate or are indifferent to. 

It looks like making decisions, day to day, that will enhance our health and happiness, particularly about self-care and relationships. 

It looks like setting appropriate boundaries to protect ourselves physically, emotionally, and energetically. 

Having our own back means refusing to abandon ourselves. It means refusing to talk down to ourselves. It means refusing to abuse or neglect or bully ourselves in our head. 

Being on our own side doesn’t mean we love or approve of everything we do. I’m sure there are people or animals in your life who you love, but you’re not thrilled about everything they do. 

It does mean viewing what we do in context, and giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt— much like you’d do with someone you love and who you want to see succeed. 

In order to get and stay on our own side, we often have to take a hard look at how our past has impacted the way we relate to ourselves— and that can be painful. 

Many of us don’t WANT to take a close, clear look at how what we’ve been through has affected us. 

Many of us would prefer to keep relating to ourselves in an antagonistic way rather than take on the burden of being on our own side. 

A lot of people have even been taught that to value themselves is “selfish” or “narcissistic.” 

There is nothing selfish or narcissistic about healthy, realistic self-esteem. 

When we value ourselves, we see ourselves as we are— not some imagined perfect version of ourselves that can do no wrong. 

Getting on our own side, having our own back, is a non-negotiable when it comes to recovery. 

We’re not going to recover while simultaneously attacking, shaming, and bullying ourselves. 

When we make that shift to actually valuing ourselves, though— miracles happen. 

Really. 

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