Discipline, Accountability, and Responsibility in Trauma Recovery.

It does not take “discipline” to starve yourself. 

It does take discipline to feed yourself, when you’re literally afraid of what eating would feel like or mean. 

It is not “accountability” to belittle yourself. 

It is accountability to be kind to and supportive of yourself even when you feel like garbage. 

It is not “taking responsibility” to blame yourself for things you didn’t choose and couldn’t opt out of. 

It is taking responsibility to reject shame and self-blame from back then, so we can focus on what we can control now. 

Many people reading this have an absolutely toxic relationship with the concepts of discipline, accountability, and responsibility. 

Those are words that have been used to shame and demoralize us, sometimes for years. 

We are often told in this culture that to acknowledge our pain indicates a “victim mindset.” 

We’re told that to place blame anywhere but ourselves is rejecting “personal responsibility” for how we feel and function. 

I’ve worked with hundreds of trauma survivors, and literally none of them have been the least interested in rejecting “responsibility” for how they feel and function— most of them have been very, very eager to accept way more “responsibility” for their life than is realistic. 

The truth is, we can’t control everything. We couldn’t then, and we can’t now. 

Trying to “take responsibility” for events and reactions we didn’t choose and can’t control is a recipe for burnout and learned helplessness. 

More importantly, focusing on “responsibility” for things that we are not, in fact, responsible for distracts us from investing our focus and energy in places and projects where we can, actually, move the needle. 

Remember: trauma’s instrument of choice to control us is shame. 

Bullies and abusers use shame to control what we think, how we feel, and what we do. 

Trauma conditioning is fueled by shame. Shame can get us to hurt and sabotage ourselves, even in the physical absence of an abuser or after we’ve left a destructive church or community. 

Don’t get me wrong: discipline, accountability, and responsibility are useful tools. Powerful tools. I would even say that trauma and addiction recovery are almost entirely about discipline, accountability, and responsibility— but REAL discipline, accountability, and responsibility. 

Not that “tough love” bullsh*t. 

We need discipline to keep us on track when we don’t feel like it— especially when we don’t feel like being supportive and fair to ourselves. 

We need accountability to keep us faithful to our values and our goals— especially when our values and goals seem out of reach in the moment. 

We need responsibility to remind us that, above all, recovery is a set of ACTIONS we take, in our head and in our behavior— “responsible” literally breaks down to “response able,” i.e., able and willing to respond. To act. 

Real world discipline, accountability, and responsibility rarely match up with how those words were hurled at us by abusers and bullies. 

It does not take discipline, accountability, or responsibility to go along with our old conditioning. 

It does take discipline, accountability, and responsibility to talk to ourselves, visualize, and behave in ways that defy our old conditioning. 

Oh— and it also takes courage. Because this sh*t is scary. I don’t need to tell you that. 

But there is no courage without fear. 

And there is no true discipline, accountability, or responsibility without opposing what is “natural” or “comfortable.”