That “in trouble” feeling. You know.

Because you FEEL “in trouble” doesn’t actually mean you are, in fact, in trouble. 

But feeling “in trouble” is a major trigger to many adult survivors of abuse and neglect. 

That “in trouble” feeling, for a lot of us, preceded some bad sh*t going down once upon a time. 

That “in trouble” feeling was used to control us. 

Sometimes that “in trouble” feeling was used to punish us. 

When we grew up experiencing abuse or neglect, we tend to be super sensitive to the quality and stability of our attachment to others, notably our caretakers and teachers. You know, the adults in our world that dictated what happened in our world. 

When we were in trouble, either real or imagined, it indicated to us that our attachment to our caretakers and teachers may have been tenuous— and our nervous systems were conditioned to overreact to that tenuous attachment. 

Growing up abused or neglected meant that we were already on thin ice with getting our basic needs met. 

We instinctively know that we couldn’t really afford any more strikes against getting our basic needs met. 

So, in response to feeling “in trouble,” we often lapsed into the “fawn” trauma response: saying or doing anything to please and appease the powerful others around us— whether or not we actually believed or felt it. 

The essence of complex trauma is that we don’t have the support or safety to grow out of “childish” behaviors that kept us safe once upon a time— so we carry versions of those behaviors into adulthood in the form of painful, frustrating, confusing symptoms. 

Hence, why so many of us still, as adults, get wildly triggered by that “in trouble” feeling. 

Many of us get intensely frustrated and heavily discouraged by how much feeling “in trouble” f*cks with us. We HATE it. 

We tell ourselves that we’re adults— why on earth should we be so upset by feeling “in trouble?” What the hell does feeling “in trouble” as an adult mean, anyway? 

For a lot of us, that “in trouble” is kind of a catch all feeling for “we’re not doing it right.” 

We get that “in trouble” feeling not only when we feel or fear we’ve displeased someone— but also when we’ve encountered a situation we think we “should” be able to handle, but, for whatever reason, we struggle to deal with.

I personally feel “in trouble” when I encounter a situation in which I’m not quite sure what to do, where to go, or how the logistics work. 

I feel “in trouble” when I feel incompetent or confused. It’s as if there’s a part of me waiting for an adult— maybe a parent— to show up and berate me for not knowing how to human, or at least how to adult. 

You need to know that “in trouble” feeling doesn’t, actually, mean you’ve done anything wrong. 

It doesn’t, actually, mean you “deserve” to be ridiculed or punished. 

It doesn’t, actually, mean you’re ABOUT to be ridiculed or punished. 

Mind you: we can have perfectly reasonable standards and expectations for ourselves, and hold ourselves to those standards and expectations. I’m not saying there are no circumstances under which it’s quite understandable to be disappointed or upset with ourselves.

But there’s a big difference between feeling disappointed or upset with ourselves, and feeling overwhelmingly anxious, sad, and even a little angry, because we’re “in trouble.” 

Feeling “in trouble” does not mean you’re about to be punished or abandoned. 

Especially now, since  you’re working your trauma recovery— and you’ve made the commitment to not punish OR abandon yourself simply for being human. 

(You, uh, have made that commitment to yourself in trauma recovery, haven’t you? Good, I thought you had.)

Meet that “in trouble” feeling, and your nervous system reaction to it, with compassion and patience today. 

That kid you once were, who you still carry around in your head and your heart, is waiting to be abandoned or punished. That kid is pretty sure they know what feeling “in trouble” means— and it’s nothing good. 

Prove to that kid you once were inside your head and heart that you can be trusted.

Prove to them they are accepted and loved. 

Prove to them that feelings, while intense and scary sometimes, are not facts.