Trauma and confrontation anxiety.

Confrontation, of any kind, can be really hard for trauma survivors. 

There’s no need to deny it. Confrontation can really trigger us. It really triggers me, anyway. 

For a long time, i was very ashamed to admit that. 

After all, boys and men in our culture aren’t supposed to be “triggered” by confrontation. We’re supposed to love it. 

Our myths and legends often revolve around confrontation. Our movies invariably revolve around confrontation— on land, on sea, in space. 

For a very long time I figured the reason I was averse to confrontation was because I was inadequate. 

That’s the story we’re fed, right? If we’re “tough” enough, if we’re “strong” enough, if we’re adequate enough, we don’t fear confrontation— we CONQUER confrontation! Right? 

But there I was. I did not like confrontation. It made me sick to my stomach. It kind of still does. 

So I bought into the narrative that I had been fed— I was inadequate. I mean, I already thought I was inadequate for many other reasons, thanks to my trauma conditioning— what’s one more? 

What I didn’t know then, and what I want you to know now, is that getting queasy about confrontation is something many trauma survivors experience. 

It’s not just because we fear pain or effort. Hell, pain and effort are daily features of most trauma survivors’ lives. 

For many survivors, it’s more that confrontation pushes a specific button: we’re “in trouble.” 

After all, why would we be involved in any confrontation, if we weren’t “in trouble?” 

Confrontation means we might get yelled at. 

Confrontation means we might be mocked or shamed. 

Confrontation means we might get humiliated— maybe in front of an audience. 

All of those are very specific triggers for many complex trauma survivors— and, strangely, for many of us, those experiences might actually be more aversive than getting roughed up in some sort of physical battle. 

Confrontations happen in many ways and forms in everyday life. 

It could be your boss wanting to talk to you. 

It could be a romantic partner leaving the message on your voicemail, “we need to talk.” 

It could even be a social media dustup (which is actually what made me think to write about this tonight). 

Whatever the context of the confrontation, you need to know that you’re not weird, broken, or alone if you struggle with the very idea of it. 

Some trauma survivors can be so triggered by the idea of confrontation that we even avoid having conversations we know we need to have, with people we like and trust. 

That’s not you being “crazy.” That’s your nervous system responding to things that actually happened to you once upon a time. 

It’s also not you being “weak,” “cowardly,” or “dramatic.” Our triggers are our triggers. This anxiety we survivors feel about confrontation isn’t a reflection of your character or courage. 

When we get triggered by the idea or occurrence of confrontation, we need to remember to return to the basics of anxiety management: breathe, blink, focus. Watch your self-talk. Talk yourself through the unhelpful beliefs and thoughts that are kicking your ass. Be there for yourself. Have your own back. 

You know— all that trauma recovery stuff we’re doing on the daily anyway. 

Because this is your trauma recovery— and no anxiety about confrontation is going to derail it.