Mistakes and mean moments and self-compassion.

Self-compassion doesn’t mean minimizing or ignoring the mistakes we’ve made. 

Trust me, you and I aren’t gonna do everything perfectly on this journey. 

We’re going to miscalculate how resilient we are on some days. We’re going to take risks that we would probably be better off not taking. 

Some days we’re going to treat people poorly— and we might not have any particular “excuse” for it. We’re just going to be a jerk some days. 

If you’re like me, you can look back upon your past— including your very recent past— and not be thrilled with certain decisions you’ve made. 

I’ve said over and over again that self-compassion is absolutely essential to trauma recovery, and I mean that— but many people assume I’m only talking about being compassionate to ourselves when whatever has happened isn’t our fault. 

It is true that many trauma survivors struggle to be compassionate toward ourselves when it comes to situations that aren’t our fault— but I’m going to tell you that we ALSO need to be compassionate toward ourselves when something’s gone haywire, and it’s TOTALLY our fault. 

I’ve never really understood the criticism of trauma informed care that it “enables” survivors to “avoid responsibility.” Literally nothing could be further from the truth. 

Realistic, sustainable trauma recovery is all about TAKING responsibility. 

Here’s the thing, though: some people equate “taking responsibility” with “self cruelty.” 

They seem to think that the only way we can “take responsibility” for poor decisions we’ve made is to beat the snot out of ourselves indefinitely. 

Again— nothing could be further from the truth. 

We can make responsibly for he poor decisions we’ve made and the mean moments we’ve had— and also refuse to be cruel or unfair to ourselves. 

I don’t like many of the decisions I’ve made, either in the distant or recent past. Hell, I’m still kicking myself over one of the first decisions I made in 2024. 

Bad decisions and mean moments happen. We can own them. In fact, in trauma recovery, we really NEED to own them, if we’re serious about not wanting them to happen again. 

But owning them doesn’t mean torturing ourselves over them. 

Likewise: forgiving ourselves for our poor decisions and mean moments doesn’t mean “letting ourselves off the hook.” It’s kind of the exact opposite: in order to realistically change our behavior, we need to get past the self-loathing and self-punishment thing. 

So you miscalculated. It happens. 

So you were in a bad mood. It happens. 

So you were feeling like sh*t, and you said things you wish you could take back. It happens. 

So you were focused on the “wrong” thing in the moment. It happens. 

We can acknowledge not-so-great moments of judgment, without kicking ourselves in the stomach every time we think about it. 

Part of what makes complex trauma survivors so vulnerable to self-punishment is, we never quite know what to do with shame. And we tend to experience LOTS of shame. 

To us, a mistake is never “just” a mistake— because shame throws pretty much any negative thought or feeling about ourselves into overdrive. 

We do not need to be ashamed for making a mistake. 

We can experience guilt for our mean moments— Lord knows I feel plenty of that, even as I’m writing this. But we don’t need to let shame chase us down the rabbit hole. 

If we want to take REAL responsibility for our mistakes, we need to stay present with them— instead of letting shame wash over and overwhelm us. 

I know. It’s hard. It’s hard for me, too. Staying present when we want to die of cringe is a tall emotional order. 

But you can do it. 

And so can I. 

Breathe; blink; focus.