You get to feel what you feel. Yes, you. Yes, really.

For many trauma survivors, it’s not a given that we get to feel what we feel. 

Many of us have been made to feel shame about our feelings— again and again, for years. 

Many of us have been made to feel shame about our feelings by the very people who “should” have created and protected an emotionally safe space for us growing up. 

Our culture doesn’t do a great job of validating feelings. 

It’s so bad that just the word, “validation,” almost carries a stigma. If you go around talking about the importance of “validating feelings,” it’s likely someone will accuse you of being an “oversensitive snowflake.” 

Out there in the culture, the consensus is that it might be okay to feel something— as long as you have a “good reason” to feel it. 

The thing about that is, very often we have no idea why we’re feeling what we’re feeling— all we know is, we’re feeling it. 

Trauma survivors can especially struggle to identify why we’re feeling what we’re feeling, due to years of denying, disowning, and dissociating our feelings. 

(Trauma survivors may even struggle to identify WHAT we’re feeling, let alone “why.”)

The truth of the matter is, feelings are mostly reflexive. We don’t “choose” them. 

Most often our feelings reflect our conditioning and unconscious beliefs about what is or isn’t dangerous, or what does or doesn’t aid in our survival. 

That is to say: there is very little, if any “choice” involved in what we feel. 

Yet, we’re told that consistently feeling painful things indicates something wrong with us. 

Sometimes we’re told that negative feelings indicate a lack of “gratitude.” 

Sometimes we’re told that negative feelings indicate a willfully negative “attitude.” 

Conversely, if someone is consistently feeling positive things, the cultural consensus is that they must be doing something “right” with their life. 

By the time we reach adulthood, we’ve absorbed THOUSANDS of messages about what good or bad feelings mean— and whether we “should” be feeling what we’re feeling. 

An important, core part of trauma recovery is affirming that we don’t need “permission” to feel what we’re feeling. 

We don’t need to apologize for what we’re feeling. 

We don’t need to try to change what we’re feeling just because what we’re feeling makes someone uncomfortable. 

We get to feel what we feel. Full stop. 

What we feel is not a reflection on our character or our work ethic. 

No one feels negatively because they’re “not trying hard enough” to feel good. 

No one feels good because they’re “a better person” than anyone else. 

There are lots of factors that contribute to why we feel what we feel— and the complexity of our emotional lives cannot be surmised in any simplistic judgment. 

We’re not going to realistically, sustainably recover from trauma if we’re busy denying and disowning what we’re feeling. 

Realistic trauma recovery asks us to meet our feelings— WHATEVER they are— with compassion, patience, and curiosity. 

Our feelings are important because we are important. 

Our feelings are inextricably entwined with our needs— and our needs are important. 

Yes, I know— you may not feel it now. That’s common in early trauma recovery especially. We struggle to feel important. 

So, right now, the tool to use might be “act as if.” 

ASSUME your feelings are important. ACT AS IF you and your needs are important. 

Think of it as practice for your nervous system.