Trauma and relationship communication.

Very often, trauma survivors feel as if we’re not expressing ourselves well. 

We feel that no mater what words we use, in what order, we’re just not saying what we really mean— or, at least, saying it in a way that will be truly heard. 

Often we worry that we’re communicating in such a way that, not only will we be misunderstood, but we’re also almost sure to be harshly judged. 

It’s very common for survivors to stop mid-sentence and— no matter how clear or concise we’ve been with what we were saying— say, “I don’t feel like I’m making any sense.” 

More than occasionally, dissociation and/or intrusive thoughts will derail our train of thought. 

Other times, our anxiety about being misunderstood or judged will overwhelm us, even as we’re speaking, and we just can’t continue. 

Communication can be tricky for trauma survivors. We’ve very often had the experience of our own words used against us. 

It’s a common abuse tactic, adjacent to gaslighting, to have someone twist what we actually said into something that sounds nonsensical. 

Sometimes, when we feel misunderstood, we lean in, and try even HARDER to communicate what we mean— but that often just leads to us feeling even MORE mired in quicksand. 

There are times when communication can feel so fraught, that we just want to shut down. Not even try to communicate. 

I know this definitely happens to me, when I’m feeling misunderstood or misrepresented— I shut down. I flash back to the futility of “debating” with my father, and I veer toward a freeze and fawn trauma response, where I’ll say very little— except what I think I need to say to make peace. 

To be not in trouble.

A thing that can make communication especially tricky for trauma survivors is, our nervous system is often vigilant to whether we’re being taken seriously, or patronized or mocked. 

Many trauma survivors are so used to being made fun of when we’re trying to communicate sincerely, that it becomes hard to NOT hear sarcasm or cruelty in almost everything someone says to us. 

When we’re trying to communicate in relationships, we really need to keep an eye on our trauma responses— and we need to be realistic about our go-to trauma responses. 

We need to know when our own expressiveness is being choked off by a “freeze” response; or hijacked by a “fawn” response; or when a “fight” response is adding more “pop” to a verbalization than is warranted at that moment. 

We can’t manage our trauma responses if we don’t know what they look like, and if we’re not on the lookout for them. 

We need to know that relationships generally, and relationship communication in particular, can be rife with triggers for complex trauma survivors. 

Even when we’re interacting with someone we like and trust, old patterns and old triggers can die hard. 

We also need to be prepared to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt when communication goes sideways. 

It doesn’t help ANYONE to blame and shame ourselves for when we just can’t wrangle exactly what we want to say, in exactly the way we want to say it. 

Communication tends to be complicated and fraught for human beings in general, human beings in relationships in particular, and traumatized human beings in relationships specifically. 

The good news is, we can get much better at both expressive and receptive communication in relationships if we approach communication with awareness, intentionality, and compassion. 

That is: if we treat relationship communication like every other task in trauma recovery. 

Easy does it. Breathe; blink; focus.