Yes, you do exist.

Complex trauma survivors are very often in the position of wondering, “Do I exist?” 

It might sound strange— but it’s not. Not given what we’ve been through. 

Many complex trauma survivors have been treated like we don’t exist— often by the people to whom we should have been the MOST visible. 

It’s a real mind f*ck to get all these messages from the culture about how our parents or caretakers “should” be the ones who love us unconditionally— but to then have them treat us like we’re a piece of furniture. 

(Sometimes an inconvenient piece of furniture, at that.) 

It’s painful when parents or caretakers treat us like we don’t exist— like we don’t have feelings or needs or perceptions or preferences— but it can be especially painful when we’re made to feel guilty for having feelings about it. 

The truth is, it’s normal to feel empty and sad when the people who “should” love us, don’t— but often, we’re not “allowed” to have those feelings. 

We’re told having those feelings makes us “self centered.” 

We’re sometimes told it’s silly or immature to want to be wanted. 

It is not silly or immature to want to be wanted. 

It’s not silly or immature to be sad when we’re not wanted— especially by those to whom we were the most attached from a very early age. 

Our want to be wanted can be confusing when the people we want to be wanted by, were or are abusive or neglectful to us. 

We can get it in our head that we must be really “f*cked up” to even WANT to be wanted by someone who doesn’t seem to be particularly attached to us. 

This is where complex trauma gets “complex.” 

When we’re young, we don’t get to choose our attachments, any more than we get to choose our parents and caregivers. 

We literally have no choice BUT to attach to whoever is available. 

As we develop psychologically, we get it in our head that their reciprocal attachment to— and their judgment of— us is how we “should’ estimate our own worth. 

It’s all Trauma Brain BS (Belief Systems— but the other kind of BS, too)— but we don’t know that. We CAN’T know that back then.

So— we become dependent (emotionally, or physically, or both) upon people who hurt us. 

This is what’s called a “trauma bond”— and it’s both confusing and psychologically “sticky.” 

Very often, a foundational part of trauma recovery is affirming that we do exist. 

If you’ve struggled with dissociation, you know that may not be as “crazy” as it sounds. 

It doesn’t work to just remind ourselves once we exist, either: we have to repeatedly affirm it. And we have to affirm it in our thoughts, in our words, and in our actions. 

In trauma recovery it’s real important we treat ourselves as if we really do exist, and our existence really does matter. 

Even if we don’t feel it in this moment. Even if we weren’t treated by our caretakers (or teachers, or clergy) like we exist or that our existence matters. 

We need to develop, shape, and contour our neural pathways before the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors associated with them feel natural. 

So: treat yourself as if you exist. 

Affirm that you exist. 

Affirm that it matters that you exist— that the world is a better place BECAUSE you exist. 

I know. Tall order, when trauma conditioning has been kicking our ass for years. 

But we gotta start somewhere to get somewhere.