Realistic, sustainable self-talk in trauma recovery.

It matters how we think and talk about our symptoms and struggles. 

We are going to run into plenty of people who will blame us for making “poor choices.” 

We’ll meet plenty of people who will tell us the way others behave toward us is a function of what we “tolerate.” 

We’ll meet plenty of people who will attribute our feelings and behaviors to our “character.” 

It’s very easy to let all of that get in our head, and kind of marinate in our own shame. 

Trauma conditions us to feel shame about almost everything we think, feel, and do. 

Abuse and neglect in particular condition us to blame ourselves, often in the harshest possible terms, for any pain or dysfunction we experience. 

Don’t get me wrong: we are humans, and humans sometimes contribute to our own pain. It happens. 

But t’s also the case that trauma tries to bully us into taking way more “responsibility” for our pain and dysfunction than is realistic or useful. 

Sustainable trauma recovery is not about either accepting or denying “responsibility” for our symptoms and struggles. 

It’s about actually understanding why we’re feeling and functioning as we are— and identifying realistic ways to feel and function better. 

Harsh self-blame gets in the way of that. 

No elite athlete has ever been motivated, long term, by harsh criticism. 

No elite athlete continues to perform, long term, for a coach who dos nothing but rip them to shreds. 

We cannot expect ourselves to be motivated, creative, or consistent in trauma recovery if the main way we interact with ourselves is through harsh criticism. 

Many people reading this don’t experience their harsh self-criticism as a “choice.” It’s simply how they talk to themselves. How they learned to talk to themselves. How they’ve been talking to themselves since forever. 

A huge part of trauma recovery is getting very aware of how we talk to ourselves— and shifting our self-talk to be consistent with realistic, sustainable recovery. 

That doesn’t mean flooding ourselves with unrealistic, over the top, optimistic self-talk. 

It does mean talking to ourselves supportively and realistically. 

In trauma recovery, above all else, we are honest with ourselves— and, sure that includes times when we’re not thrilled with ourselves. 

Trauma recovery self-talk isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. 

What trauma recovery self-talk is, is balanced, respectful, and patient. 

Do we have to be “nice” to ourselves at all times in trauma recovery? Eh, to me, this question kind of misses the point. We have to be respectful and realistic with ourselves at all times— and, yes, I find it’s usually more productive to speak more or less “nicely” to myself. 

The core of trauma recovery is repairing and developing our relationship with ourselves. 

We’re not going to do that if we’re talking to and behaving toward ourselves like we’re someone we hate. 

I get it: you may not be feeling self-love just now. Been there. And the good news is, we don’t always have to “feel” the self-love. 

But we do always have to behave toward ourselves as if we’re on our own side. 

We do always have to talk to ourselves in ways that are starkly different from how our bullies and abusers talked to us. 

We don’t always have to be gentle and “positive” with ourselves. 

But our self-talk needs to reflect our goals in our trauma recovery and our relationship with ourselves— even if we’re not “there” just yet. 

Easy does it. This is a marathon, not a sprint.