Forgive yourself for being vulnerable to trauma responses.

Our gut reactions are our gut reactions. We do not choose them; we do not have to feel shame about them; we do not have to apologize for them. 

Our feelings are our feelings. We do not choose them; we do not have to feel shame about them; we do not have to apologize for them. 

Trauma responses are nervous system reflexes. We do not choose them; we do not have to feel shame about them; we do not have to apologize for them. 

Every time I talk about the emotional and psychological reflexes we experience after enduring traumatic stress,  I get pushback. 

Invariably, someone says that we need to “take responsibility” for our trauma responses. 

I understand what they mean: the entire point of trauma recovery is to reduce our vulnerability to trauma responses and increase our ability to direct our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors after a reflexive trauma response. 

When I say “trauma responses aren’t choices,” I am not saying we are ultimately powerless over how we feel, think, and behave in trauma recovery. 

What I am saying is that our choices only come into play AFTER our gut-level, instinctive emotional and behavioral response. 

We can get horribly wrapped around the axle if we insist on blaming and shaming ourselves for thoughts, feelings, and reactions that we did not choose— that we are vulnerable to because of conditioning. 

“Responsibility,” by definition, involves volition. “Response-able.” 

If a thought, feeling, or behavioral reflex hits us without our consent— literally “hits” us— volition, or “choice” has not come into play. 

I am aware that lots of people out there in the culture assume— and say— that trauma survivors “choose” certain behaviors. I am aware that there is a cultural narrative about the “victim mindset” supposedly embraced or celebrated by trauma survivors. 

The people who think that have no idea how trauma recovery actually happens in the real world. 

In order to realistically take responsibility for what we do AFTER we get hit with a trigger and a reflexive emotional or behavioral reaction, we have to make peace with the reality that we usually do not see them coming and we certainly do no ask for them. 

That is to say: we cannot control trauma responses, any more than we can control allergy attacks. 

Can we make ourselves less vulnerable to trauma responses (much like we can also make ourselves less vulnerable to allergy attacks)? Of course. 

Can we choose how we deal with the fact that we’ve been triggered and a trauma response has been set in motion? With time and practice and support, yes. 

But we need to get very real about the fact that we are not ourselves when we are triggered— and that is not an excuse. That is a really we have to grasp in order to meaningfully change anything. 

We do not need to be “forgiven” for experiencing trauma responses. Trauma responses are not something we “do” that requires forgiveness or repentance. 

That said, in my experience, using the language of “forgiveness” can be useful in changing how we relate to our vulnerably to trauma responses— which, as everyone reading this can affirm, tends to stoke a lot of shame in many survivors. 

So: forgive yourself for being vulnerable to triggers. 

Forgive yourself for being vulnerable to trauma responses. 

Forgive yourself for things you did not choose and did not want— past and present. 

Forgive yourself for even needing to think about trauma recovery. 

There’s nothing TO forgive— but forgive yourself anyway.