Your love is NOT “toxic.”

Trauma often makes us hate ourselves. 

We often come through trauma disliking and distrusting ourselves. 

Trauma has a way of brainwashing us into believing we are at fault for what happened— and we deserve to be punished for what happened to us. 

Trauma often convinces us that there is nothing “normal” about our assorted trauma responses— that they are evidence of our “weakness” of mind, body, spirit, or character. 

In short, trauma CONDITIONS us in a lot of BS (Belief Systems— but the other kind of BS, too). 

(That is to say, bullsh*t.)

In my view, a significant part of the work of trauma recovery is repairing our damaged relationship with ourselves. 

Yes, it’s also about decreasing the intensity and frequency of our trauma responses, with the eventual goal of eliminating them altogether— but in my experience, our trauma repossess don’t begin to meaningfully decrease unless and until we start getting on better terms with ourselves. 

Repairing our relationship with ourselves is hard, when we’ve been taught, programmed, and conditioned to hate ourselves. 

Learning to like, trust, and eventually love ourselves takes time. We are undoing literal years of conditioning here. We’re physically rerouting neural pathways in our nervous system, and it doesn’t happen overnight. 

However, there’s a toxic positivity truism that get thrown around a lot that tells us we can’t love somebody else “until” we love ourselves— that if we don’t love ourselves first, we’re not able to love someone else in a non-toxic way. 

I understand what people mean when they say this— but it’s just not that straightforward. 

Can it be complicated to love and be loved by somebody when we have deeply negative feelings about ourselves? Of course. 

If we have deeply negative feelings about ourselves, and somebody comes along and says they love us, it can spike all kinds of doubts and insecurities and suspicions. 

Many of us were wounded by people who said they loved us. 

Some of us were even told that the wounds “they” inflicted were actually evidence of their love. 

Many of us believe, by default, that anything that comes FROM us— such as love, affection, or attraction— MUST be toxic, because, we believe, WE are “toxic.” 

So, yes: love can be complicated when we’re struggling with negative beliefs and feelings about ourselves.

But that does NOT mean our love IS toxic. 

It does NOT mean that we cannot express our love, not only in non-toxic ways, but in ways that are genuinely safe, healthy, and loving. 

It’s true that many of us do not have many healthy role models for what “love” actually looks like. 

But it does not follow that our love is inherently harmful. 

Do we have to be mindful and intentional with how we conduct relationships and allow ourselves to be vulnerable when we’re working a trauma recovery? Very much. 

Do we have to pay close attention to what in our relationships is actually in evidence, versus the fevered spinning of our trauma-driven internal prosecutor? Absolutely. 

But let me be clear, fellow trauma survivor: your love is not toxic. 

It s not harmful. 

It is not wrong. 

It is not shameful. 

Literally the best, most loving parents I know are trauma survivors working their recovery (and yes, I have specific people in mind when I say that). 

Literally he best, most loving pet owners I know are survivors working their recovery. 

The most faithful, loyal friends I have are survivors working their recovery. 

Are any of us fully healed, to the point of unconditionally “loving ourselves?” Definitely not all of us, no. 

But we’re all working our recovery, one day at a time. 

That’s all it takes.