Your trauma recovery story is yours– not “theirs.”

One of the hardest things to give up in trauma recovery is that fantasy that “they” will finally be who we want or need them to be. 

That our parents will actually love us. 

That our church will actually be concerned for our spiritual well being. 

That our culture or community will accept us— even if we don’t conform to their expectations or preferences. 

We hold on to the hope that “they” will somehow, some way, become who we want them to be. Who we need them to be. Who we wanted and needed them to be when we were growing up. 

Don’t get me wrong— sometimes it happens. Not always, maybe not even often. But sure, of course it happens. 

People change, and organizations change. Sometimes institutions change dramatically when thire leadership changes. Communities and even cultures can change significantly over time. 

The thing is: we can’t hang our recovery on the idea or hope of them changing. 

We chan’t stake our recovery on our parents suddenly becoming the nurturers we wanted and needed them to be when we were growing up. 

We can’t stake our recovery on our church suddenly becoming invested in our individual spiritual or emotional well being, when for years it has prioritized its institutional survival over the well being of its individual members. 

We can’t put off our recovery hoping that the culture will come around to accepting our sexual orientation or gender identity— or even understanding it. 

All of those things would be awesome. Many of us are heavily involved in efforts to change organizations and the broader culture, with the goal of making them more caring and inclusive. 

But we can’t make our recovery contingent on anyone or anything “out there” changing or behaving in a particular way. 

If we do, we will be waiting forever. 

Many of us would absolutely find it enormously healing or gratifying if certain people or organizations DID change. 

If certain changes DID occur within individuals or institutions or within the culture at large, would that absolutely contribute to our healing and support our recovery? You bet. 

But our recovery is not continent on their epiphany. 

For a long time, many people reading this have lived their lives in reaction to other people. 

Other people have set the tone and the agenda for our lives. 

For a long time, many of us were little more than characters in other peoples’ stories. 

In recovery, we finally take charge of our own story. 

We finally become the main character in our own narrative. 

We finally embrace the fact that we get to make our story about what we want it to be about— not about the attitudes or beliefs or agenda of anybody else. 

In some ways, this is enormously empowering. 

In other ways, it can be bittersweet. 

It’s not fun giving up the fantasy that people or institutions or the culture at large will get better. Kinder. Safer. 

But we’ve spent enough time focused on and waiting for “them.” 

Now— it’s time for us. It’s time for you. 

This is your story. Your adventure. 

Whether or not “they” are ready for it or willing to play a positive role in it.