We cannot punish ourselves into excellence– or recovery.

A lot of people reading this grew up believing that they “had” to be tough on themselves. 

They “had” to be harder on themselves, in fact, than anyone ever COULD be on them. 

They grew up believing that if they WEREN’T hard on themselves, something bad would happen. They’d lose their edge. They’d get “soft.” They wouldn’t succeed. 

This idea— that self-cruelty is essential to success— is often reinforced in abusive families and institutions. 

Organized religion, including the Roman Catholicism in which I was raised, tends to glorify pain and sacrifice, linking it not only to success, but to eternal salvation. 

Over and over again we are told the key to success is self-discipline— and we seem unable to detach our understanding of “discipline” from cruelty. 

When survivors get into trauma therapy and/or recovery, we’re often told that a key to our successful recovery is to develop compassion for and patience with ourselves. 

I’ve often written that a non-negotiable in realistic, sustainable trauma recovery is to create safe space on the inside of our head and heart. I’m sure I sound like a broken record on this point. 

But these ideas— self-compassion, internal safety— often conflict with our old conditioning, which holds that we MUST be cruel to ourselves in order to succeed. 

We really, really think that if we’re NOT cruel to ourselves, we’ll be surpassed or outworked by someone who IS being cruel to themselves. 

That idea— that self-cruelty is essential to success— is BS: a Belief System. 

(But the OTHER kind of BS, too. You know what I’m talking about.)

The truth is, high level athletes don’t perform for sadistic coaches. Not for very long, anyway. 

Employees and managers that add value don’t stay in the employ of sadistic bosses. Not for very long, anyway. 

And if we get into a relationship with ourselves that is sadistic, that relationship will deteriorate beyond any capacity to utilize it to recover from trauma. 

Here’s the thing about our relationship with ourselves: we can’t opt out of it. 

We are with ourselves 24 hours a day. Even at night, when we’re sleeping, we’re with ourselves in our dreams. 

Unlike the high level athlete or the value added manager, we can’t leave a sadistic coaching or employment situation. Not when the situation is our relationship with ourselves. 

If we want our trauma recovery to stick, if we actually want to get better, if we want that recovery to be sustainable over the course of our lifetime, we have to give up this fantasy that we’re gong to manage our performance by bullying ourselves. 

It’s just not going to happen. 

We will shut down. 

We will turn on ourselves. 

We will dissociate. 

If we are habitually cruel to ourselves, we will do the exact opposite of “perform” over time: we will lose all incentive to perform. 

What they don’t tell you about those high-level coaches who “motivate” with “tough love” is: they are only out for a short term result. They do not care about their athletes’ long term quality of life. 

Trauma recovery is about quality of life. 

And we don’t build quality of life through self-cruelty. 

I don’t care if, because of our old training and conditioning, self-cruelty feels familiar or “right.” It s a losing strategy. 

It is actually the GREATER act of self-discipline to be kind, patient, and compassionate to ourselves. 

THAT takes guts. THAT takes courage. THAT takes practice and skill. 

You’re up to it. I believe in you.