How to talk to yourself in trauma recovery.

Trauma recovery involves a LOT of talking to ourselves. 

It also involves a lot of listening to ourselves— which, believe it or not, is an even harder skill to develop. 

We talk to ourselves in trauma recovery for one basic reason: that’s the most straightforward way of communicating with ourselves. 

Much of the damage trauma does is to how we habitually talk to ourselves. 

Trauma conditions us to talk to ourselves like someone we do not like. 

It conditions us to talk to ourselves like someone we do not trust. 

Trauma often conditions us to hate and fear the “parts” of us that hold painful feelings and memories— even though it’s exactly those parts of us that are MOST committed to keeping us safe and functional. 

I’ve said it so often that I’m sure I sound like a broken record: our main job in trauma recovery is repairing our relationship with ourselves. 

It’s relearning— or maybe just learning— to like, trust, and effectively communicate with ourselves. 

It’s learning to identify, validate, and work with all the “parts” of us that hold things we were unable to consciously hold at the time. 

All of that starts with talking to ourselves. Literally, self-talk. 

When I say we need to develop new ways of talking to ourselves, I do NOT mean “positive self talk” like you might be imagining it. 

I do not mean cramming positive affirmations down our throat every morning. 

I do not mean standing in front of a mirror and making pronouncements about how good, smart, and likable you are. 

(Don’t get me wrong: everyone reading these words IS good, smart, and likable—but when I refer to shifting our self-talk, I’m not going for Stuart Smalley declaring how good, smart, and likable he is to his reflection.) 

What I mean is, we need to get in the habit of talking to ourselves like a realistic, supportive coach. 

Is an effective coach ALWAYS positive when they talk to their athlete? They are not. 

An effective coach is, above all, REALISTIC— and if an athlete is behind on the scorecards, they need to know that. 

Is an effective coach ALWAYS a hard ass? No, they are not. 

An effective coach does need to push their athlete sometimes— but coaches that actually achieve results strike a balance between knowing when to push, and knowing when to reel their athlete in. 

THIS is the kind of self-talk survivors in trauma recovery need: realistic self-coaching that strikes a balance between push and pull, optimism and realism. 

And then: we have to listen. 

We have to listen to what our body says. 

We have to listen to what our emotions say. 

We have to listen to what our parts say. 

After all, coaching relationships that are all one-way are never effective. Never. 

Effective coaching and successful performance are symbiotic. They feed off of and enhance each other. Communication between coaches and athletes is mutually reinforcing, a constant feedback loop. 

That’s how we need to talk to ourselves in trauma recovery. 

Spoiler: it’s very different from how we’re probably USED to talking to ourselves. 

And that’s why it’s effective.