Sorry, but neither you, your thoughts, nor your needs, are “bad.”

Your trauma is going to try to tell you many of your thoughts and needs are “bad.” 

For that matter, your trauma will frequently try to tell you YOU are “bad.” 

Every human reading this has a lot of thoughts and very human needs— and none of them, by themselves, are “bad.” 

We might have thoughts that might be inconsistent with our values and goals; and we might have needs that we’re not comfortable with or conflicted about. 

But that doesn’t make them “bad.” 

A trick trauma often tries to pull on us is, convincing ourselves that embarrassment MUST lead to shame. 

It tries to tell us that if we don’t like something we think or need, it MUST be shameful. It MUST be “bad.” 

One of our most important tasks in trauma recovery s steering away from that conclusion— that things we don’t like to think or feel are “bad,” or make us “bad.” 

I, like most trauma survivors— like most HUMANS— have thoughts and needs that I wish I didn’t have. 

Some of the thoughts I have have absolutely been influenced by the things I’ve been through. 

The things I’ve been trough have absolutely shaped the way some of my needs manifest. 

But that doesn’t make them “bad.” It doesn’t make them “shameful.” 

One of the most complicated symptoms of complex trauma happens when our brain viciously turns on us, tell us we’re awful— maybe even “evil”— for thinking certain things or wanting certain things. 

It takes a real trauma recovery Jedi to cope with those times. 

The temptation is to judge the living sh*t out of ourselves— largely because many of us spent YEARS getting the living sh*t judged out of us by the very people who were “supposed” to be on our side. 

It only feels NATURAL to blame and shame ourselves, especially when we think or want something we’re not “supposed” to. 

Trauma recovery asks us to reel in that instinctive judgment. 

Trauma recovery asks us to meet our compulsion to shame and judge ourselves with compassion. 

The truth is, the reason shame and judgment feels “right” ISN’T because it IS right— it’s because that sh*t feels FAMILIAR. 

It’s what we know. 

Relating to ourselves with compassion and patience feels awkward because it is UNFAMILIAR. 

When we experience compassion and patience, it might even feel anxiety provoking— because we don’t trust it. 

We’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

We’re waiting for someone to come along and inform us that we were suckers for buying in. 

We’re waiting for someone to come along and tell us that we’re out of line, expecting anything BUT shame and judgment. 

We’re waiting to be in trouble— and/or punished. 

Make no mistake: trauma recovery is an inside out job. 

We need to START on the inside, with how we relate to what we think, feel, and need. 

We need to notice and intentionally reframe when we’re tempted to judge and shame ourselves. 

We need to talk to ourselves like we’d talk to someone we respect and love— someone who we want to see recover and thrive. 

Yeah. We need to be the adults now, who we needed back then. 

Easy does it. This is a marathon, not a sprint. 

Take it from me: you only complete a marathon one step at a time. 

Also, eat, Brit.