Goldilocks and complex PTSD.

There are gonna be times in trauma recovery when we feel overwhelmed, overstimulated— when we feel like we need some space. 

So we take some space, spend some time alone…and then we feel, well, lonely. 

We get lonely and sad and a little dissociative, and we regret distancing ourselves from our friends or others, at least right then. 

Then we get frustrated with ourselves, for the whole “Goldilocks” thing: we don’t want too much stimulation, but we don’t want too LITTLE interaction; what the hell DOES our too-hot, too-cold nervous system actually WANT from us, anyway? 

Managing the traumatized nervous system very often does feel like Goldilocks trying to find the right temperature of porridge. 

It’s true that our traumatized nervous system can be very easily overwhelmed. 

And it’s true that our inner child can be very sensitive to feeling isolated and lonely. 

And our job in trauma recovery is often to navigate between the two— which can seem maddening on some days (or, especially, some nights). 

No doubt about it: managing our competing needs for support and stimulation on the one hand, and quiet and space on the other, can be a struggle. 

Sometimes the effort involved in managing those competing needs can be so frustrating that we fall into blaming and shaming ourselves for what seems like an impossible balance we need to somehow find, day after day after day. 

We begin to think, maybe “they” were right. 

Maybe I AM too “high maintenance.” 

Maybe I’m “too needy.” 

Maybe I’m experiencing all these needs, and all this discontent, because I’m immature. I haven’t learned to “grow up” and accept the fact that we can’t always get what we want. 

It can be real easy to go down a self-critical rabbit hole when we come face to face with our complex needs as trauma survivors. 

As easy as it can be to go down that rabbit hole: resist. 

When the inner prosecutor tries to tell you you’re “too needy,” respond, calmly and evenly: “Human beings have needs. I’m exactly as needy as I am. No more; no less.” 

When the inner prosecutor tries to tell you no one will possibly put up with your neediness, respond, calmly and evenly: “I may not be for everyone— but not everyone is for me. I am not the first, last, or only person to experience these needs. My needs don’t make me bad or unlovable.” 

Spoiler alert: some of what you respond to the inner prosecutor with, will sound…well, kind of stupid. 

We’re not going to believe everything we say back to the inner prosecutor— but that doesn’t actually matter. 

The point in responding to the inner prosecutor at all is to declare that we have no intention of either debating him or being persuaded by him. 

Your lovability is actually not dependent upon you being “low maintenance.” 

Peoples’ needs, and their “neediness,” vary tremendously during the course of trauma recovery. 

You may or may not be particularly “needy” now— but as you continue to work your recovery, that will change. 

Some days, weeks, even years, will be “needier” than others.

And that’s okay. 

Our needs as trauma survivors are often intense and contradictory— and that’s a pain in the ass, but ultimately it’s okay, too. 

We experience what we experience. We need what we need. Shaming and blaming ourselves won’t change any of it. 

What we actually need, more than anything else, is to communicate to our inner self that we are committed to accepting and meeting our needs— whatever they are. 

Some days we won’t do it perfectly— but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that our nervous system comes to trust our commitment to being there for ourselves. 

Trauma recovery is about repairing our damaged relationship with ourselves. 

And we don’t do that by hating on our own needs— even when they’re inconvenient or inconsistent.