Families and churches and trauma.

Trauma survivors are told “you’re wrong” dozens of times, in dozens of ways, every day. 

We’re told we’re wrong about what we remember. 

We’re told we’re wrong about whether it was “trauma” or not. 

We’re told that our reactions are wrong. 

We’re told our feelings are wrong. 

We’re told we “should” feel certain ways about family members— and that certain feelings about family just aren’t okay. 

After all— they’re FAMILY. How can you feel THAT way about them? 

We’re told we “should” feel certain ways about the church— that the church “deserves” our respect and, literally, our reverence. 

After all— it’s the CHURCH. How DARE we think or feel THAT about it? 

Over and over and over again, we’re told, in little ways and big was, implicitly and explicitly, that what we feel, how we react, what we need, is “wrong.” 

Is it any wonder that suicidality is one of the most common symptoms of chronic complex trauma? 

We’re told that MOST of the things we experience and feel aren’t “okay”— and then we’re often blamed for experiencing and feeling those things. 

We’re told to consider our role in what happened to us. 

We’re told to “forgive.” 

We’re told that the reason we’re having such a strong reaction to what happened to us is because we have a “negative mindset.” A “victim mindset.” 

We’re told we are wrong and/or at fault so often, that after awhile it becomes really, really hard to see our situation in any way that ISN’T blaming and shaming us. 

Here’s the thing: the culture doesn’t blame and shame us for what we went through and how it affected us for the hell of it. It does this because if we’re to blame for our pain, than the culture doesn’t have to reconsider its relationship with certain of its institutions— including the family and the church. 

The truth is, some pretty awful things happen in some families. More families than you think. 

Some pretty awful things happen in churches. More churches than you think. 

But many survivors struggle to acknowledge how painful their experiences were with their families and/or their churches, because our culture bends over backwards to exonerate both from fault or responsibility for complex trauma. 

Why does any of this matter? 

Because, if we’re going to realistically recover from complex trauma, we have to tap the brakes on the relentless blaming and shaming of ourselves that we learned “out there.” 

We have to start going ourselves the benefit of the doubt. 

We have to be on our own side. 

We have to acknowledge, as painful as it may be, that maybe we didn’t, and don’t, have complete control over what happened or happens to us out there. 

The reason why our culture is so big on victim blaming is because lots of people really, really don’t want to admit how vulnerable they are. 

The truth is, EVERYBODY is vulnerable to coercion and abuse— and families and churches are in unique position to victimize people and get away with it. 

We don’t like that. So we deny and disown it. Hence, a culture steeped in victim blaming. 

Realistic trauma recovery requires us to expel that culture of victim blaming from our head. 

If we really want to take responsibility for our life and recovery, it needs so start with acknowledging what we were NOT responsible for. 

If you’re reading this, you are likely told how “wrong” you are when it comes to your trauma and your reactions, day after day after day. 

But you’re not wrong. 

You’re not crazy. 

It happened. 

And it hurt. 

It affected you. 

Start there.