Lots of people reading this have experience with toxic people in our lives.
Most complex trauma involves a relational component— we were most often hurt in our relationships with other people. Sometimes those people were in our family; sometimes they were at school; sometimes they were at church; sometimes they were at work.
Most often it’s some combination thereof.
Sometimes the people in our lives who turned out to be toxic, we initially invited into our lives.
Later, when they turn out to be toxic, we often blame ourselves for their presence in our lives.
In trauma recovery it’s really important to be realistic about “blame” and “responsibility.”
We survivors often end up blaming ourselves for MANY things…and much of that blame is unfair.
If the toxic people in our life were family, we didn’t “choose” to invite them into our life— most often, they were just, you know, there.
Later in life, we may blame ourselves for not cutting off toxic family members— but the truth is, going no contact with family members is often more complicated, emotionally and logistically, than many people think.
if it was easy to cut off toxic family members, we wouldn’t struggle with it— but the truth is, almost everybody does.
Sometimes we HAVE invited people into our lives who turned out to be toxic— but it’s not like we knew that at the time.
Nobody wakes up in the morning and says, “I think I’ll invite a predator into my life.”
Predators and other toxic people rarely advertise themselves to be such.
Most often they work hard— and often skillfully— to convince us they AREN’T toxic or predatory.
Later on, after the sh*t hits the fan, it’s often tempting to blame ourselves for not having seen or known that they were toxic— but that blame, too, is often unfair.
Very often we just don’t know someone is toxic until they’re already in our life— often when they’ve been entrenched in our life.
Returning to family members for a sec: very often we don’t realize that a family member is toxic until we get a little distance from them— and very often certain family members work hard to make it difficult and impractical to GET distance from them.
When we talk about “taking responsibly” for our choices, including the choices of who we include in our lives and how far we let them into our lives, we need to be realistic— and compassionate— with ourselves.
Is it the case that sometimes our trauma conditioning leaves us with certain blind spots when it comes to sniffing out toxic or predatory individuals? Sure, it happens.
But most often, if we let someone toxic or predatory into our lives, it’s because they’ve done everything they can to camouflage those traits and hide those red flags.
Shame and self-blame just don’t help us here.
We can’t take back past decisions in hindsight— and shame almost never helps us make future decisions more intelligently.
After all, what is there to decide— that we’re not going to be fooled by a skilled, experienced manipulator who is committed to fooling us?
Come on. That’s a fantasy.
We don’t like the fact that we’re vulnerable to manipulation and coercion, so we often hide behind this fantasy that we can sniff out predators if only we try hard enough, if only we’re sharp enough…and, subsequently, when it turns out we’ve let someone destructive into our lives, we blame the shi*t out of ourselves.
It’s not reality based— and it doesn’t help.
The bad news is, we’re vulnerable to manipulation. You, me, “them,” everybody.
The good news is, we CAN take realistic responsibility for who we let in our lives— but only by acknowledging that there actually are limits to how much we can know about someone at any given time.
In other words: ease up on yourself.
You didn’t know what you didn’t know.
Use Your Damn Skills 