How “freeze” and “fawn” keep us from ending relationships we…probably should end.

That fear of abandonment and/or rejection that so many trauma survivors have can keep us in not-right relationships for…years, sometimes. 

Not just relationships with people, either. We’ll stick with jobs that aren’t right, living situations that aren’t right, and religious communities that aren’t right, because we cannot wrap our head around ending the relationship. 

Complex trauma survivors in particular often experience the endings of relationships as almost unbearably difficult— no matter how they’re ending. 

It’s very common for trauma survivors to find themselves limping along in certain relationships that they know they probably “should” end…but we just can’t wrap our head around cutting the cord. 

We fear we’ll be yelled at. 

We fear that, once the relationship is over, we’ll become “the bad guy.” That they’ll talk about us. Maybe that they’ll attack us. 

Sometimes we fear that us ending the relationship will have the kind of devastating effect on them that relationship endings tend to have on us— and we can’t bear to inflict that kind of pain on anyone. 

Sometimes we fear that if we end a relationship, even if it’s not going well, we’re dooming ourselves to never finding another relationship (and, again, this applies to all kinds of relationships, including relationships with jobs and communities— we might fear that, if we leave a position or a community, we’ll never get a job or find another group again). 

The thing is, almost none if this is about “logic.” 

“Logically” we know, all relationships end, eventually. 

“Logically” we know that people, jobs, and communities outgrow each other. 

“Logically” we know that it’s unreasonable to expect that the needs, talents, and personality traits hat drew us TO a particular person, job, or community, would simply stay static year after year after year. 

“Logically” we know that it’s not the end of the world for a relationship to end. 

“Logically” we know that, especially if things aren’t gong well, ending a relationship is really the best thing to do; the kind thing to do; the grown up thing to do. 

And yet, we just. Can’t. Do it. 

We get stuck somewhere between the post traumatic “freeze” and “fawn” response. 

Logic doesn’t permeate trauma responses. 

We don’t logic our way out of fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop, or f*ck it. 

We get triggered as hell by the idea of making someone mad. 

We get triggered as hell by the idea of abandoning someone.

We get triggered as hell by the idea of making someone sad. 

And we get triggered as hell at the idea of possibly being alone or unwanted ourselves. 

The low self-esteem that so many trauma survivors struggle with keeps us from truly believing that, if we end this relationship, new and better relationships (or jobs, or communities) WILL come our way. 

We convince ourselves that we HAVE to hold on to what we have— or else we’ll be lost. 

Or attacked. Or hated. 

Many trauma survivors feel we’re ALREADY overwhelmingly vulnerable to being alone, or attacked, or hated…so we can’t IMAGINE purposefully DOING something that might lead to those outcomes. 

If this is you, you need to know you’re not alone. 

It’s not a weakness. It’s a symptom. 

It’s not a character flaw. It’s a symptom. 

It’s not permanent. It’s a symptom— and symptoms can and are worked through. 

Easy does it. One day at a time.