Unburdening in trauma recovery.

Many trauma survivors arrive in adulthood with a lot built up inside them. 

A lot of feelings. 

A lot of memories that just…won’t…fade. 

A lot of words they’ve never had the space or safety to speak out loud. 

So many words. 

One of the things that very often happens when somebody begins trauma focused therapy is they start talking…and the words start flowing. 

And then they REALLY start flowing. 

Which then leads the survivor in therapy to suddenly feel anxiety and/or shame. 

You get a lot of apologies. A lot of “I’m sorry I’m rambling.” “I’m sorry I’m ranting.” “I’m sorry I’m talking in circles.” 

Mind you: almost never is the survivor in therapy ACTUALLY “rambling” or “talking in circles.” 

And if they are “ranting,” it’s usually a rant that is long-delayed, and well-deserved. 

We want to apologize for talking in therapy not because we’re ACTUALLY doing anything wrong— but because we’ve been conditioned to believe talking is bad. 

We’ve been conditioned to believe talking, especially about what happened, will get us in trouble. 

We’ve been conditioned to believe that talking, especially about our pain, is shameful. 

Very often we’ve been raised to believe that the “honorable” way to deal with pain is to never talk about it. To bear it silently. To quietly endure. 

We’ve been conditioned to believe that acknowledging our pain, let alone talking about it at length, let alone FEELING anything about it, is “weak.” Perhaps a sign of “self centeredness.” 

We’ve been conditioned to believe that expressing anger about what happened to us or what we didn’t get is tantamount to going on an “unhinged” rant…and THAT is the sign of a person who is not emotionally “disciplined” or “mature.” 

What a bunch of BS (Belief Systems— but the OTHER kind of BS, too). 

One of the most important tasks of trauma recovery is known as “unburdening.”

Unburdening is exactly what it sounds like. 

We— you— have been carrying things that you should never have been asked to carry. 

Very often you’e been carrying them alone. Even if people have WANTED to help you carry them, there was no safe, straightforward way for them to actually assume some of your burden. 

Over time, if we keep carrying things that are so heavy— and that get added to every year, every day, we’re NOT in active trauma recovery— we get tired. 

We get exhausted— in every way possible for a human being to feel exhausted. 

And when we feel exhausted, it becomes very easy to feel hopeless. 

That’s why unburdening is so important. 

It doesn’t always have to happen in a therapist’s office— but it does need to happen. 

The core of trauma recovery is creating a different relationship with our past and with ourselves. 

We can’t do that and continue carrying what we’ve been carrying, in the same way we’ve been carrying it. 

So we have to take some risks. 

Usually that means talking. 

It might even mean singing, or creating art, or digging through sand in a tray. 

And, yes, there’s usually crying involved, too. 

It’s okay. 

In fact, it’s more than okay. 

It’s f*cking beautiful, and I’m so f*cking proud of you.