For a lot of trauma survivors reading this, the perfectionism and/or drive toward people-pleasing may have been our main source of “motivation” for…years, sometimes.
We can’t imagine having the drive to achieve WITHOUT perfectionism or people-pleasing.
Then, we get into therapy or recovery, and we’re told that we should lighten up— that we don’t NEED to be perfect, and that people-pleasing is often a manifestation of the “fawn” trauma response.
Which, of course, sounds all good in theory. Of course we shouldn’t be driven or haunted by perfectionism. Of course we shouldn’t be held hostage to people-pleasing.
Learning how to give those up can only result in us being happier and healthier…right?
Sure. In theory.
In reality, learning to give up perfectionism and people pleasing in trauma recovery often presents us with a very practical problem: how the hell do we motivate ourselves to do…well…anything?
We’re told that we “should” want to achieve just for the joy of achieving…but many of us don’t have a whole lot of experience associating “joy” with achievement.
Rather, we associate achievement with stress. We associate it with a fear of failure.
We often associate achievement with exhausting, fruitless attempts to “earn” the approval or love of someone in our family, or even a romantic or sexual partner.
The idea of achieving something just for the “joy” of it is just a bizarre concept to us.
The achievement paradox experienced by many complex trauma survivors is part of a larger problem many survivors face: when we’ve been living our entire life in survival mode, we frequently have very little idea what our live can or “should” look like when we’re NOT in survival mode.
What do we even like?
Who even ARE we?
The idea of achieving something for the sake of achieving it begs the question of, what would I even DO, what would I TRY to achieve, if someone else’s approval (or, alternately, their potential disdain) wasn’t on the line?
Who are we, outside of others’ plans for or expectations of us?
For people who didn’t grow up in high control environments, these questions might sound weird. After all, who arrives in adulthood with virtually no idea who they are or what they like?
People who were raised or enmeshed in high control environments, that’s who.
That is to say, people who struggle with complex trauma.
This is why I so often return to the fact that the big thing we “recover” in trauma “recovery” really is ourselves.
We “recover” our right to exist independently of the people and institutions that dominated our early lives.
We “recover” the right to CHOOSE our interests, goals, and even our personalities.
And when I say “recover,” I’m very aware that for MANY of us there isn’t any pre-complex trauma “us” to go back to— so what I REALLY mean is “recreate.”
(But, for obvious reasons, “trauma recreation” doesn’t work as a replacement term for “trauma recovery.”)
Struggling to find or maintain motivation AFTER giving up perfectionism and/or people pleasing is a real thing. You’re NOT the first or last survivor to run headlong into this dilemma.
For awhile, we gotta do the things WITHOUT being particularly motivated. Which, yes, sucks.
But the good news is: we DO eventually find— that is, create— ourselves.
We WILL eventually feel motivated on OUR terms.
And when we hit that point, something almost miraculous happens: we find ourselves not PUSHED toward our goals by others’ expectations or our own anxiety— but rather PULLED toward our goals by how meaningful and interesting and beautiful WE find them.
I know. It all sounds improbable to you now. Don’t worry about that.
You just worry about YOUR recovery goals, today.
You know the drill. One day at a time.
Use Your Damn Skills 