Oh, are you, too, an acquired taste?

Many people reading this are an acquired taste. I know I am.

Our life experiences may make us hard to know. 

Some of our life experiences have resulted in an emotional life or behavioral choices that may be difficult for others to understand. 

When we’ve experienced trauma, our perspective on the world and other people often shifts— often radically. 

We can’t go back and un-know what we know. Un-experience what we’ve experienced. 

All that may make us seem kind of mysterious to many people. 

Add to that the fact that many of our life experiences have resulted in us intentionally keeping many people at arm’s length. 

Add to THAT the fact that our highly sensitive nervous system is often too keyed up or burned out to tolerate prolonged social interaction. 

It all adds up to the fact that, yes— trauma survivors may be sort of difficult to understand, know, or be close to. 

Believe me— most of us survivors are WELL aware of that fact. 

For some of us, it’s a feature, not a glitch. There are survivors reading this who DEFINITELY don’t mind the fact that we’re often kind of apart from other people. 

But for others of us it’s DEFINITELY a glitch. There are survivors reading this who would give almost ANYTHING to be ABLE to be closer to others. 

Then there are those of us who have radically different needs and preferences at different times when it comes to being close to other people. 

Sometimes we can’t stomach the very IDEA of being close to others or letting them close to us. 

Except for those times when we desperately crave that closeness. 

You need to know that our push-pull relationship with closeness or letting ourselves be known isn’t just a “you” thing— it’s a trauma thing. 

It’s not that YOUR ability or inclination to be close to others is broken— it’s that trauma, especially complex trauma tends to scramble EVERYBODY’S relationship with attachment and vulnerability. 

Think about the experiences that create complex trauma: painful experiences that occur over time (often years or decades); are for all practical purposes inescapable; and— this is the REALLY important part— are entwined with our important relationships. 

How is someone supposed to go through those kinds of experiences and NOT have an ambivalent relationship with attachment, vulnerability, and closeness? 

The fact that we— you AND me— are an acquired taste doesn’t mean were are LESS lovable or even LESS desirable. 

The fact that we can be difficult to really “know” doesn’t mean we’re “broken” (though many people mistake our apart-ness as “aloofness”). 

The fact survivors’ life experiences and needs are kind of opaque to many people out there doesn’t mean that we don’t WANT to be known or understood— or that we REMAIN enigmatic to people who are willing to put in the work. 

The factors that lead us to kind of be “apart” from so many people and opportunities for connection? We didn’t ask for those things to happen to us. 

Sometimes we’re frustrated by all of it. 

Sometimes we’re comforted by all of it. 

But it doesn’t make us “less than.” 

It don’t make us irreparably broken— or even necessarily ‘broken.” 

It means our combination lock has a few extra twists and digits than you average non-trauma survivors’. 

No more; no less. 

(Trust me— WE are more frustrated trying to figure out our combination lock than YOU could EVER be).