Desire and needs and trauma.

Complex trauma survivors often have this tortured relationship with our desires and needs. 

That’s not an accident. 

Many of us have that tortured relationship with our desires and needs because someone or something conditioned us into that tortured relationship. 

Sometimes it was a person— maybe a parent, teacher, or caretaker. 

Sometimes it was an institution— such as a church or company. 

Whoever or whoever it was, they conditioned us to believe that we shouldn’t want what we want. 

They conditioned us to believe we don’t actually “need” what we need. 

Often this conditioning took on moralistic overtones. 

We were taught it was “wrong” to want or fantasize about something. 

We were taught that only “bad” people want or fantasize certain things. 

Pejorative labels were ascribed to people who “wanted” certain things. 

“Sinner.” “Whore.” “Glutton.” 

We were taught that it was “weak” to need certain things. 

That it was “lazy” to need as much rest or sleep as our body was telling us we needed. 

That it was “gluttonous” to need as much food as our body was telling us we needed. 

That it was “selfish” to need time alone— or to need to avoid certain people. 

The thing is: it’s very HUMAN to want and need things. 

When “they” brandished shame to make us feel bad about wanting and needing things, it was an attempt to control us. 

When “they” tried to make us believe that only “certain kinds” of people wanted or needed certain things, what “they” were actually trying to do was anchor “their” behavioral preferences to our very identity. To our craving for approval. To our desire to be a “good boy” or “good girl.” 

There are a number of factors that make complex trauma “complex,” but one of the main characteristics of complex trauma survivors tends to be that we have been head f*cked about wanting and needing things. 

You need to know that just wanting or fantasizing about something— anything— doesn’t make you any more or less than a normal human being. 

You need to know that the biological needs of your body and the psychological and social needs of your nervous system do NOT reflect on your character or worthiness. 

You need to know that pathologizing the human experience is one of the oldest mind- and behavior control strategies in the world. 

Abusers and bullies don’t want us at peace with our wants and our needs. 

Abusers and bullies want us at WAR with our wants and needs. 

If we’re at war with ourselves, notably our wants and needs, we are FAR easier to control. To manipulate. To sell to. To deceive. 

One of the most important tasks of trauma recovery is making peace with WHO WE ARE— and that includes our wants and needs. 

Yes— even those wants and needs that we’re kind of embarrassed about. Even kind of ashamed of. 

We’re not gonna recover from trauma AND wage war on ourselves. 

We want what we want. 

And we need what we need. 

And maybe— just maybe— we don’t deserve to be shamed, ostracized, or otherwise punished for any of it.