I don’t believe in playing “nice” with shame.

No. I don’t believe in playing “nice” with shame in trauma recovery. 

I do believe there is value in understanding, and even “befriending,” many of our trauma responses— notably “fight,” “flight,” “freeze,” “fawn,” “flop,” and even “f*ck it.” 

If we try to avoid or aggressively push back against our “F” trauma responses, they only tend to intensify. 

Our “F” trauma responses represent parts of us that are engaging in those respective behaviors— fighting, fleeing, fawning, flopping, and/or f*cking— as aways to cope with memories or feelings that would otherwise be overwhelming. 

But shame is not a trauma response in the sense that the “F” responses are. 

Shame is a toxic amplification of guilt and embarrassment that trauma CONDITIONS us into. 

Guilt is the feeling of discomfort when our behavior doesn’t match our goals or values. 

It says, “I did something wrong.” 

Guilt can, at least sometimes (arguably often), be used to constructively shape our experience. People who don’t experience guilt are often at a loss when it comes to making needed adjustments to our behavior. 

Shame is a different animal. 

Shame doesn’t say “I did something wrong”— it says “I AM wrong.” 

Shame takes the discomfort we experience with guilt, and it personalizes it.

Instead of framing our decisions in terms of what we value or what we want, shame frames our behavior in terms of who we are. 

Shame is a particularly aggressive monster for trauma survivors because we often do things that we’re not thrilled about. 

We’re not ourselves when we’re triggered. We’re not ourselves when we’re being subjected to tactics of coercive control. We’re not ourselves when our emotions are wildly dysregulated. 

Yet, shame will tell us those moments ARE representative of who we “really are.” 

Shame personalizes EVERYTHING. 

Complex trauma survivors are VERY used to people trying to use shame to control us. 

Shame drives an OVERWHELMING amount of self-destructive behavior for MANY trauma survivors. 

We don’t have things to learn from shame. 

Shame does not represent anything authentic about us. 

There will always be a subset of people in our culture who want to play coy with shame. People who will say “shame is good, actually,” and “the world would be a better place if more people experienced shame.”

Those people are flat wrong, from a behavioral science point of view. 

Shame does NOT work to change behavior long term. 

Shame does NOT work to change attitudes or beliefs long term. 

In fact, we have overwhelming evidence that shame makes many people feel hopeless and helpless about EVER changing their behavior— because shame’s take home message is, “this is who you are.” 

I am sick to death of people suggesting that shame represents anything worth listening to. 

I am sick to death of people trying to use shame to manipulate others, notably trauma survivors who are particularly vulnerable to shame. 

I am sick to death of people trying to intellectualize an “important role” shame plays in understanding ourselves or our experiences. 

Your mileage may vary, but in my book, shame is the result of toxic trauma conditioning and programming. Full stop. 

I’m done playing nice with it. 

Shame is the internalized voice of our abusers and bullies, and I will take the side of any trauma survivor any day against even the echoes of those who hurt them.