It’s not your fault when you feel hopeless– or hostile.

Trauma survivors are used to hearing— and believing— that their struggles in recovery are their fault. 

I wish this wasn’t true. But it is. 

Our culture sometimes TALKS a good game about how victims of abuse, neglect, and other trauma aren’t to blame for what happened to them…but then it often turns around and demands to know why, precisely, survivors of trauma “insist” on making life so difficult for themselves. 

Sometimes our culture pays lip service to the idea that nobody ASKS for trauma. 

But then it turns around and wants to know why, exactly, trauma survivors put themselves in a position to be vulnerable to trauma. 

It is a massive understatement to say that trauma survivors get VERY mixed messages about whether they are to blame for what happened to them— or how difficult it can be to try to recovery from what happened to them. 

Many trauma survivors struggle in therapy and recovery. 

That’s NOT because they are “making” the process difficult— it’s because therapy and recovery after trauma are just DIFFICULT. 

Yet many survivors are used to being blamed for struggling in therapy and recovery. 

You’d think that therapy “should” be a place where it’s okay to struggle. You’d think therapy “should” be a place where someone would’t have to worry about being reprimanded or blamed for finding the process difficult. 

Unfortunately, you’d be wrong. 

There are MANY survivors reading this who have had the experience of others— including therapists— either implicitly or explicitly blaming them for therapy not going well. 

Some survivors specifically have had the experience of being blamed when they have angry or otherwise “unpleasant” verbalizations or other behaviors in therapy. 

Here’s the thing: trauma is awful. Recovery from trauma is no fun. 

NOBODY is doing trauma recovery for kicks; we’re doing it to stay alive. 

It’s VERY common for survivors in recovery to feel hopeless— and sometimes hostile. 

Sometimes this is a manifestation of the “fight’ trauma response; sometimes it’s just a function of the fact that if you’ve been through trauma, chances are you’re feeling pretty sh*tty, and not a lot has helped you over the years. 

Given what you’ve been through and what you’re experiencing every day, who WOULDN’T be feeling sh*tty? Who WOULDN’T lash out, at least at times? 

Yet— survivors who struggle are often blamed. They’re told they have a “bad attitude.” They’re told they need to stop being “hostile” or expressing hopelessness. 

Don’t get me wrong— I don’t find it fun or pleasant when someone I’m working with is in bad headspace. And of course I’m not a fan of when that pain comes out sideways at me, the therapist. 

But I don’t blame the patient. 

I assume that every patient is doing the best they can in any given moment. 

Of course therapists are human, and therapists have every right to also find the dynamics of trauma recovery difficult. 

But we really, really need to resist the urge to blame and shame the patient when things aren’t going well. 

We may not like it when therapy isn’t going well— but neither does the patient. 

OF CORUSE we’d prefer if every patient was cheerful and “treatment compliant” in every moment. 

But that’s not how trauma therapy works, because that’s not how trauma recovery works— because that’s not how trauma works. 

Resist the urge to shame and blame, even implicitly. 

That’s easier said than done in our culture. 

But it’s REALLY important if we’re serious about helping ANYONE climb out of the cave of pain that is trauma and dissociation.