Predators don’t care about our boundaries.

Predators don’t care about our boundaries. 

This might seem obvious— why WOULD predators care about our boundaries? 

But it’s important to acknowledge, because in our culture there is a subset of people who will blame victims of abuse for failing to set appropriate boundaries. 

This point of view is often expressed as, “you teach people how to treat you.” 

People who find meaning in this phrase often cite it as a reminder that it’s important to set boundaries in all relationships— that if we default on our responsibility to set boundaries, then we can’t expect other people to adhere to boundaries that were never set. 

This is true— in a narrow set of circumstances. 

“You teach people how to treat you” might be valid in relationships in which there isn’t a particular power differential, and in which the people in question are already inclined to respect you and any boundaries you set. 

The problem is, many people reading this have life experience with people who are NOT inclined to respect us or our boundaries. 

Many people reading this have been victimized by predators. 

Predators benefit from our cultural assumption that pretty much anybody can set effective boundaries, and it’s everybody’s responsibility to set boundaries if they don’t want to get mistreated. 

When someone is hurt in our culture, our first response is often to ask some variant of, “Well, what were they doing to invite that hurt?” 

“What didn’t they do to stay safer?” 

“What did they do to put them at risk?’ 

Contrary to the rhapsodizing of many mental health gurus on social media, boundaries aren’t magic. 

The truth is, it’s really hard for a lot of people to set boundaries that other people will respect. 

And it’s virtually impossible to set boundaries that a committed predator will respect. 

The core assumption on which boundary setting rests is that you’re able to walk away from a situation if the other person chooses not to respect your boundary. 

We can’t FORCE anyone to respect our boundaries— all we can do is disengage and walk away if the other person fails to respect it. 

But not everybody CAN safely or easily walk away from a situation. 

Yes, boundaries can be very important— but our cultural blindness to the fact that not everybody is in a sufficient position of power to be able to set effective boundaries is MADDENING. 

It can be impossible, for all practical purposes, to walk away from a relationship on which we are economically reliant— and particularly impractical to threaten to walk away from that relationship every time you need to set a boundary. 

It can be practically impossible to walk away from a relationship with an organization or institution that all your social and familial relationships are entwined with. 

When predators are in a position where they know you are unable to realistically set boundaries, they know they can target you with impunity— and you’ll likely be blamed for whatever happens. 

Because, you know, “we teach people how to treat us.” 

Make no mistake: the victim blaming bias of our culture caters directly to predators. 

We do not “allow” predators to target us. They choose to do that. 

We do not “allow” predators to violate our boundaries. They choose to do that— and our cultural misunderstanding of how boundaries work often aids and abets them. 

It is not your fault that you were, or are, targeted by a predator. 

You cannot realistically halt a predator in their tracks by magically waving a “boundaries” wand. 

As it turns out: predators don’t give a sh*t about our boundaries. 

And our victim blaming culture will often give them cover.