The “fight” trauma response might be the most misunderstood of the classic “fight,” “flight,” freeze,” and “fawn” responses.
(I like to add two more— “flop” and “f*ck it”— but we can get into that later.)
The “fight” response happens when we get triggered, and our impulse is to lash out.
This happens in a lot of ways. It’s not just physically fighting (in fact, physically fighting someone might be the very LAST thing many trauma survivors would be inclined to do).
Many trauma survivors develop a reputation among people who don’t understand trauma responses as being “difficult.”
We get called “stubborn.” Sometimes we even get called “combative.”
Very frequently we get blamed for behaviors that are actually instinctive manifestations of the “fight” trauma response.
Trauma responses don’t mean we have ZERO control over what we do and say when we’re triggered— but it does mean that, in those moments, we are overwhelmed by a nervous system reflex that cannot be ignored.
That is to say: when our “fight” response gets triggered, we struggle to do anything BUT fight in that moment.
Sometimes our “fight” response” looks like interpersonal aggression. We snap at people. We push back more forcefully than might be expected, given the situation.
Sometimes it looks like verbal aggression. We latch on to something that may not need elaboration, but we take the opportunity to fully articulate EXACTLY what we think of it.
Sometimes our fight response DOES involve some form of physical aggression. We throw ourselves into a physical activity, like boxing or even running, and really go all in until we’re exhausted.
Sometimes our “fight” response might be passive aggressive. We don’t directly “attack” someone or something, but we engage in behavior we know will cause them inconvenience or frustration.
The “fight” trauma response gets misunderstood, because people who happen to be in our way when it gets triggered often get the brunt of it.
It’s easy to assume a trauma survivor in “fight” mode really wants to, well, fight— and it’s not an unfair assumption, given that other people can’t read our minds.
It can be easy for us to get down on ourselves for our “fight” responses.
Personally, I HATE when my own “fight” trauma response kicks in.
I can get ACIDLY sarcastic when that happens— and I do NOT like myself at those times.
Often in psychotherapy, trauma patients will have a “fight” response triggered— and therapists who aren’t terribly trauma informed will assume that the patient is “acting out,” and get defensive.
(Unfortunately, such therapists often wind up blaming the patient for this response kicking in.)
When we enact a trauma response that we’re not thrilled with, including the “fight” response, we need to remember: we didn’t ask for this.
We’re not in full control of what our nervous system does when it gets triggered.
We ARE responsible for our behavior, including “cleaning up” any hurtful situations our behavior creates— but we NEED to relate to our trauma responses, even the ones we dislike, with compassion.
If our nervous system’s “fight” switch gets flipped on, we’re running a pattern— not making a decision.
We are not going to shame or bully ourselves out of “fight” responses.
We are not going to punish ourselves out of “fight” responses.
The only way we CAN diminish the frequency and intensity of “fight” trauma responses is to create safety INSIDE our head and heart— internal safety that our nervous system truly registers.
If we’re having “fight” trauma responses, it’s because our nervous system thinks it NEEDS to fight to survive.
We only counter that by creating safety— outside if possible, but DEFINITELY inside.
Easy does it. One day at a time.
Use Your Damn Skills 