Direct that frustration and anger where it REALLY belongs.

It’s easy to be frustrated with ourselves when we get triggered. 

It’s easy to be mad at our nervous system for responding as it responds. 

Like, we “know” that we’re relatively “safe” right here and now, or at least safer than we were back there and back then…so why does our nervous system insist on RESPONDING like we’re back there, back then? 

Of course, we know that trauma responses aren’t really “choices.” 

They’re more like conditioned reflexes. 

We can RECONDITION our nervous system, over time, to be LESS reactive to triggers— but that’s exactly the catch: it does tend to take time. And repetition. And support. And resources. 

But very often we’re just…mad. 

Mad at our past. Mad at our body. Mad at our nervous system. 

We feel other things, too…but so often that anger and frustration at our situation finds its way back to us. 

That’s often a result of the fact that we were blamed for our pain by other people. 

When we tried to express our pain, we were told we were being “dramatic” or “oversensitive.” 

We were told to “take responsibility” for our pain. 

(Believe me: trauma survivors tend to believe that EVERYTHING is our fault, and EVERYTHING is our responsibility. We DON’T have any problems ‘“taking responsibility”— but we do tend to have problems discerning what realistically IS our responsibility, and what isn’t.) 

We were told that no one wants to hear our “complaining.” 

So we internalized it. Swallowed it. Turned it all in on ourselves. 

Fast forward to now: we find ourselves trying like hell to be in trauma recovery…but our default setting, when we’re triggered, is to still be angry or frustrated with ourselves. 

Here’s the thing: that anger and frustration is legit. 

It has a right to exist— which is good, because it DOES exist. 

That anger and frustration is legit because it WASN’T fair that what happened to you, happened to you. 

It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right, it was sh*tty. 

And someone does deserve to be yelled at for it. 

But that someone isn’t you. 

You did the best you could. Your body, your nervous system, found a way to survive. 

What you’re living with now is not your body’s and nervous system’s failure— it’s the collateral damage of its SUCCESS at keeping you alive. 

Your body and nervous system doesn’t deserve to be yelled at for these trauma responses. 

The people and systems who DO deserve to be yelled at are those who created the trauma in the first place. 

Not you. You didn’t ask for trauma. You didn’t invite it into your life. 

When you feel yourself tempted to come at you with that frustration or anger— purposefully attempt to redirect it. 

Direct that frustration and anger at the people and systems who REALLY deserve it. 

Direct it toward the people who should have had your back, but didn’t. 

Direct it toward the culture that misunderstands and dismisses victims of trauma. 

How many times should we reinfect our anger and frustration? 

As many times as it takes. 

Placing realistic, proportional blame WHERE IT BELONGS can be a significant milestone in our trauma recovery. 

Though it will require us to give up the fantasy that EVERYTHING that happened to us is our fault and our responsibility. 

Baby steps to giving that one up.